I did not know what to expect. I though I did, I thought I was ready. But the walls of Loosend were taller than I thought. Out here anything can happen, and apparently does. I am not just taking care of nameless soldiers but friends that defend me and try and do what is right. There are few I can trust and fewer I understand. There is so much to discover about myself, my companions and the world around us. The high priests never challenged me like this.
This has turned out kind of nice. Staying in one area is not what I expected, I hope it lasts. I seem to be able to stay out of trouble but I do not like that the others risk so much while I hang back. I was not ment to be fighting, so much is not what I expected. Maybe I need to stop over thinking things and do what is right at the time. Stop worrying about what was supposed to be and take care of what is.
I was wrong. I do need to think and I do need to take my time.If my faith has been tested, I need to re-affirm. I feel the power of Idum flowing more, I just need to learn to focus them and listen. I was not meant to fight, but I was meant to help in this fight. Support them like they have supported me. I still wish my brother was here.
They said I was ready to go out and improve my faith, to spread the word. The same words they told me when I first left. This time I heard them in a new light. I have to improve my faith in me and spread the word that I am here.
All this studying is so enlightening. There is so many possibilities, things I can do. But so much more i need to learn.
He seemed so happy and peaceful, said it was because of me. I finaly found someone who could show me a new way to look at the world and now he is gone. I can't stop now. I have to find someone to can help me. Anyone. ... No not anyone. There is only one person I know who can help me. Branwyn.
I truly felt what Qui Fon told me to look for, it was a moment where everything seemed to be laid out before me. All I had to do do was give up a little of myself and prove I was in the right place at the right time. I was focused on the monument and it seemed so right, how could I fail...... I did not fail, I did everything I could. I proved to myself I could make the sacrifice. I can not control everything that happens, only what I do. I will have to remember that more than the lost of the poor souls.
I do not know what got into me. I know these are the good guys. Waited so long to find my place, can't blow it now. I will be powerful, I just need to stay focused. Do what I can, learn from the best. Someday, that will be me.
That felt like sweet revenge. Those bastard fish people that gave me so much trouble before. I know its a team effort but I felt if I had move options before, I would not have regressed. I am so glad Hoffman did not have to dive in, I know he was ready to.
Entry 210 It has been an amazing few days. Not only was I correct about Hoffman's feelings for me, I am correct about my true feelings for him. it is not about his physical strength or fighting prowess but the strength of his soul and heart. He is so diffrerent from me but I feel like this is so right. In helping him become the leader he should be, I will also become who I truly am. Yet at the same time of finding validation with someone else, I feel I have found self assurance not just proving myself to my God or my superior but to myself. I will continue to learn and improve but no longer feel the need to prove myself to anyone but me.
Everything is awesome. Sure it did not work out quite as planned, but it was as close as I remember any of our plans, Especialy how sideways the actual problem was. Now I just want to get back to the city and spend some time with Hoffman. Alone. :)
WOW. Sorry diary, I think that is all I will need to remember yesterday. I guess there are some things I just can not put into words.
Entry What a week. I am sure everyone is upset with us but at least there is no question if it was just built up energy. We are gonna have slow down and work out how we are going to go forward as an 'us'. I appreciate Hoffman letting me decide, I am just not sure who to talk to first.