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Valgar the Confused

Living life the Viking Way.


Valgar Sigurdsson originally hails from Sargil, where he was the third child of seven. When he was seventeen, a minor argument with his eldest brother escalated beyond repair and culminated in Valgar not letting the door slam on his way out. He immediately set out with naught but his battle axe and the clothes on his back, traveling a while on his own before meeting up with several acquaintances from his childhood, none of whom were the heirs in their own families. They traveled together for several years, calling themselves the Second Sons. There was no battle they wouldn't fight, no wrong they weren't willing to stand up to, and no fear in their search for the path to Valhalla.

The group finally found the battle that would be their last. Valgar was the only survivor, and that was due to the intervention of a Celtic healing cleric who did not know about, or understand, the glory of Valhalla. However, by the time Valgar had recovered sufficiently to kill the interfering wench, she had continued on her way.

Valgar angrily sought every battle he could find, trying to make his way to the afterlife he had been denied. One night, as he slept, the viking felt an internal tugging. He found himself standing beside his sleeping body and watched in horror as a large wolf approached. Although he shouted and waved his arms, it was as though the creature couldn't see him, so he was relieved when it sat down and looked alertly around. Realising the wolf was meant to guard his body, he gave in to the tugging and followed it to (to be continued...)

YAY, CLIFFHANGERS!

(Blah blah blah, a bunch of stuff happens. We'll add it, pinky swear!)

Valgar died during a journey through the Underdark, when he impatiently decided to body-surf down a hill of scree and crashed into a wall. Obviously, he failed both his intelligence AND his wisdom checks.


Mike's version: Valgar the Confused is a land viking who stumbled out of the bushes while we were at the necromancer's lair. He claims that Morria raised him from the dead, most likely saving him from a miserable existence of an afterlife outside of the gates of Valhalla where all the land vikings are forced to sit while the real ocean vikings have fun with beautiful busty bar wenches inside. He is well known for drinking like a sickly kobold, smelling like a maggoty drow butt, having a beard that resembles the backside of a goat with diarrhea, and insulting like the village idiot from a village of idiots.

After Guy's death from falling on his arse down the slope of doom and splatting into the far wall, the Norse Gods took pity on their perpetually failing charge and set out a bench under a window with a blanket on it to give Valgar a place to sit and a blanket to wait out his long, cold wait outside the walls of the great feast hall reserved for accomplished warriors only.

It is also said that every once in a while his sad, empty-eyed puppy dog stare gains him some pity from the buxom bar wenches he doesn't get to chase around the feast hall, and they'll dump a mug of ale out the window on him to suck out of his tattered, crusty beard. Thus, in the viking culture when you do a good deed for someone below you as an act of extreme pity and almost disgust, it's becoming known as "Giving Valgar some mead."

Author's note - Sorry Guy, I saw that the page was empty and had too much fun Friday night not to fill it up. Feel free to erase and rewrite his story how you like it. -Mike

Mike - you realize, of course, that this means war. (quote from Guy) -Kaz (continued and expanded on in the Insult Forum)

MIke, dude... you are evil!! YAY! -Kaz


With a permanent illusion created by Rave Starfire in his honor. Is located in the Underdark at the area where Valgar the Confused met his death is a permanent marker. At the top of the Scree is a tribute to the Stupid, and the Foohardy and the fate that awaits them all. Valgar sings in dress with makeup and his hair in pigtails with a sign above him that reads "Valgar's Memorial Blunder! A tribute to the Stupid, the Foolhardy, and the fate that awaits them". The song he sings is "Slide it in, Slide it out, Slide down, round about. Disco Lady" Over and Over and Over again in a sexy (for an ugly Viking male in a dress) fashion while getting up and down off his shield.


Song Dedicated to Valgar Sigurdsson. Written and composed by "Anonimous" (sung to the tune of George of the Jungle)

Val Val Valgar the Viking Smells to you and me!!

Val Val Valgar the Viking Watch out for that SCREE!!

Val Val Valgar the Viking Dumber than a tree

Val Val Valgar the Viking Watch out for that SCREE!!