Dead Dread Pirates - Session Summaries List

Session 20241004c - 20241004s

• Hello folks, welcome back to another episode of Are We Out of the Caves Yet? No to better summaries, but it’s definitely crazier. You’re welcome.
• P.S. wax-obsessed mage will be referred to as “Unhinged Hairball” from this point forward.
• Quick Skim of the Night:
  • Unhinged Hairball talks, and no one wants to know. Except Vee and her weakness for Connects.
  • Sleep, heal, explore. Rinse and repeat.
  • That green glow from the water looks ominous.
  • Whoa, coffins. And skeletons. Is it All Hallows Eve yet?
• So the group rescues Unhinged Hairball from the recreated Jurassic Park. Vee and Co. give him the stink eye up and down like he’s a hobo walking down Project Runway. And considering this giant labyrinth of elaborate magic traps and possessed candle wax figures that he probably created, that’s being generous.
• There’s a lot of back and forth between what is Bad and what is considered Not Bad.
  • Creating wax creatures to do your chores? No comment, it’s heckin weird.
  • Using a human, encasing him in wax? That’s Bad.
• Yeah, so remember that Waxio? That’s the Admiral encased in wax, using his wax brain to do wax things. Well… okay, was the Admiral.
• The Admiral Conspiracy:
  • Admiral and Co. are sailing and meet the Mummy Witch. She sprinkles some Mummy Dust to replace their independent, logical thinking skills with… ummmm…
  • Admiral stumbles around and encounters Unhinged Hairball obsessing over his underground laboratory.
  • Unhinged Hairball takes advantage of the fact that the Admiral CANNOT GIVE CONSENT and decides to use him as a guinea pig to his candle wax factory.
• In conclusion, everyone thinks Orange became history, The Admiral is history, Unhinged Hairball should be history, and Rothuss has a blade ready for whenever he can make that into a reality.
• Before he can, Vee stops him. He’s a high level mage, obviously, and because we saved his life, he owes us. We could use that. Lirt is a mage, so… maybe training? Not sure why we’d want her to train under some wax-obsessed sociopath, but ok.
• Unhinged Hairball is like “please take everything except my books and my dogs. I mean if you want the dogs fine but leave my books.”
• There’s a lot of back and forth. Unhinged Hairball keeps whining about his books, and when that doesn’t work, initiates discourse about law and morals like he’s not some wax-obsessed sociopathic conspiracy theorist who turned a human into a slave. Story chat for more details, but I personally don’t recommend reading it.
• This whole mess ends with Tempe casting Zone of Truth to make him sign and stamp in blood a written record of his agreement to the conditions given in exchange for letting him go. Rothuss grumbles about not being able to murder him. We let the dogs go with him because Vee determines they won’t be harmed and the Reed residence is currently off-limits.
• Also, can I mention the fact that we’re still not anywhere near to concluding the Firebeard shenanigans that got us here in the first place?
• We all go back to Jean the Fishing Boat to unload all the loot and sleep off this wild goose chase. Tempe heals Rothuss before she sleeps, and then wakes up to heal everyone else so that no one will die if we try to explore.
• Off we go, onto the skiff. There’s some glowy green light coming from the water. Vee loves the water so much she wants to take a leap… and almost gets beheaded by a stalactite something or other.
• There’s two different shores. One shore has six coffins placed in a “u” shape, the other has a door. We go check out the coffins, and then Vee, Zora, and Orange split off (unintentionally) to go look at the door, leaving the rest with the coffins.
• Tempe isn’t too thrilled about opening these coffins. Disturbing the dead is never a great idea. But the key to the door is apparently in one of them, and Melange balances her anxiety out with some slim optimism. She stands behind him, ready to cast at the first thing that looks at her sideways.
• He opens the first coffin on the right side (top of the curve), and out comes a skeleton. Another skeleton jumps out, along with an undead hand. I don’t remember which coffin it was, but it was somewhere on the left side of the curve. Second or third one from the top?
• Tempe puts them all in time out through Turn Undead, and they slink back into their coffins for another nap. Does that mean we have to open them up again to get the key to the door?
• And that’s it for tonight, folks. Next episode on Are We Out of the Caves Yet? is: Disturbing the Dead to open the door. Wendy is a sleepy noodle. Good night.

Quotes of the Night

BOB Every germ is sacred, every germ is good, every germ is needed in your neighborhood
Carissa: like weeds
Carissa: they have a place
Carissa: but my body is not it

Rothuss Carder: Let me know when I can kill this guy, would you?
Rothuss Carder: stalks angrily off.

Lazio Sharpe: Only an evil mage would take some other mages’ books hostage.
Temperance: Only an evil mage would turn someone into wax without consent.

Lazio Sharpe: He did not say no, he says weakly
Temperance: smiles lightly.
Temperance: So as long as you do not say no, does that mean I can cut off your finger?

Inv Zora Polasis: You didn't see him Vee! I don't think you know what you are asking
Inv Zora Polasis: looks at Tempe
Temperance: looks up from her scribbling.
Temperance: I don't think we should bring back a wax figure that didn't consent to being made into one in the first place.
Inv Zora Polasis: Yes that
Lazio Sharpe: I understand your concerns Temperance
Temperance: I'm not sure you do.

wyjyoon (Temperance): taking admiral parts, mage signing legal documents got it
Lisa: the admiral is a ball of wax full of Levi's and Tempe's arrows isn't it?
Carissa (Vee Barlett): ...let's remove the arrows first?
Lisa: lol
BOB You can take parts, not the whole thing
BOB it gets the point across
Carissa (Vee Barlett): well whatever part looks most like the admiral
Lisa: coughs
wyjyoon (Temperance): .... his face?
Carissa (Vee Barlett): lol
Carissa (Vee Barlett): hannibal lecter right?

wyjyoon (Temperance): a symbol? the head? what do we have?
BOB Pieces that a priest can cast on to determine if this is the admiral, yes or no
wyjyoon (Temperance): because i honestly don't want to deal with higher ups trying to find loopholes to pin things on us
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): roll a d20 for which part
Inv Zora Polasis: [d20 = 16]
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): knee caps
BOB grins
Carissa (Vee Barlett): lmao
wyjyoon (Temperance): how about a femur?
Carissa (Vee Barlett): fitting
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): would love a femur
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): lol
BOB You can have one

Session 20240927c - 20240927s

Lisa is serving as substitute summary writer as Wendy is away. Better summaries shall resume next week.

The group left off at the end of the Birthday Game at the doorway to the outside with lizardmen, a man in a cage, a rhinoceros looking dinosaur, and only half the group there.

So this Friday with the return of Vee, Lirtimya and Rothuss to the action and the rest time needed by Temperance, everyone backtracked to the kitchen and bedroom to discuss what happened before and make plans for rescuing the man in the cage. Lots of discussion both in and out of character.

We learned that Wax Flour Grinding Man can follow orders and doesn’t like it when you try to burn him with a lit torch. (surprise?) We should take him to the outside and use him to help with a distraction. (But I guess we forgot)

A bit of discussion on how much do we need the cage man to be rescued alive versus dead and people’s self-interests seem to come into play. Zora wants to impress the church with their success. Ruffus wants an alive person to prove that Ruffus is not dead. Vee just wants the loot. Levi was more practical and wanted to find out who he even is first before deciding.

The group makes a rough plan of distraction and quick rescue and heads back outside. This was a long and complicated combat. For a play by play see Story Chat link above. Highlights below:

• Rothuss BLAAAAARRRRTTTTTT!!!!!!! his horn and runs around at magical speeds to provide a lizardman distraction
• Ruffus decides he will also provide a distraction by trying unsuccessfully to attack the Monoclonius (rhino dino), who in turn gores him into critical woundedness. (Ruffus just do exactly what Vee tells you to do, please!)
• Lirtimya casts Wall of Fog on the Monoclonius so it is stuck in the dark for a good part of the combat (thank you!)
• Ruffus in his finite successful wisdom decides to run into the middle of the village to cut down the cage and free the man
• Vee, Levi, and two of the Mastiffs fight their way around the center of the village fighting valiantly and killing lizardmen.
• Lirtimya tries out the Shizbang Magic Missile wand and finds it can be quite useful using it and her dagger to fight lizardmen. Wonders how many charges this thing has.
• MeLange wakes from his nap and helps Lirtimya with the lizardman by the door.
• Two lizardmen catch up with Rothuss, who manages to speedily tumble and escape multiple times.
• The Wall of Fog starts to dissipate and the Monoclonius starts to slowly move towards the group at the door. Will it make it there before the rest of the group can escape? Will it block their exit? Time to hurry everyone!
• The group tries to fight its way out to make an exit, but before they do, Mastiff 4 is taken down by one of the lizardmen.
• Monoclonius keeps getting closer to the door…
• Vee takes a last look around, doesn’t see Levi, and so tries to pick up Mastiff 4 and run to the door. Very sadly, her strength fails her and she isn’t able to carry the Mastiff with her to safety.

The group makes it to the door, closes it and is now back in the safety of the bedroom with Zora and Glimber.

Health Status Report: (Breathe, Temperance. It will be okay.)

• Zora: Walking Wounded
• Glimber: Critically Wounded
• Temperance: Lightly Wounded?
• Vee: Moderately Wounded
• Rothuss: Heavily Wounded
• Lirtimya: Healthy?
• MeLange: Lightly Wounded?
• Levi: Heavily Wounded
• Ruffus: Critically Wounded
• Mastiff 2: Critically Wounded
• Lazio Sharpe: Bloodied. Who knows? Who Cares?

Everyone collapses in the bedroom and starts raiding the bar and wine racks.

Next week? Interrogation of the man in the cage, aka Lazio Sharpe.

Quotes of the Night

BOB Temp is Hodor
Carissa (Vee Barlett): nice knowing her
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): may they not share the same fate

Levi Reed: Maybe you need a bear trap
Ruffus DeOrange: You said they are lizard man, not bears
Ruffus DeOrange: you just leave those around?
Levi Reed: Nah, you put them somewhere strategic when you're trying to catch something
Ruffus DeOrange: So like Vee's bed?

Carissa (Vee Barlett): We also have a potion of Levitation, Amnesia, and Hill Giant Strength
Carissa (Vee Barlett): plus torches
Carissa (Vee Barlett): and ropes
BOB If only we had a wheel barrow

Vee Barlett: Well as the two puttin' yer lives at risk... anything to add? Or we just gonna go for it?
Vee Barlett: 'Cause I hate plannin' for long. It super borin'
Levi Reed: Sure, let's go for it. Now's a good a time to die as any

Carissa (Vee Barlett): wtf is a monoclonus??
Lemon (Levi Reed): It's the Giant Jackelopasaurus
Carissa (Vee Barlett): oh a literal dinosaur, lovely
Carissa (Vee Barlett): but it's a herbovore... right...?
BOB plantasaurous
Lemon (Levi Reed): I wish Mel was here to animal lore that thing
Lemon (Levi Reed): veggiesaurus, Lex

Vee Barlett: Sometimes I think magic be nice to have, but I like stabbin' too much.
Lirtimya: With magic to learn, there is no time for your training needed to stay in stabbing shape
Vee Barlett: That why we got you, Lirt. Between yer magic and my stabbin' ain't no one who can take us.
Lirtimya: And we will only continue to get more powerful over time

Birthday Bonus Game!

• Hello, Builder of Plans™, may you live long and prosper. Also this took up 15 pages on google docs, you might wanna get comfortable.
• We are still in the Pointy Ear cave. At least… some part of it, anyway. It’s like an underground anthill, man. So many chambers.
• Also did Wendy mention that Glimber is now Zora’s duckling?
• The Wishlist (that we’ll probably get at some point?):
  • A spyglass
  • More torches
  • Continual Light Stone?
• Quick Skim of the Night:
  • Hey Wyvern, wanna be friends? *stab*
  • Hey doggos, wanna be friends? For realsies?
  • Step on a plate, a boulder finds free real-estate. On you. By hulk-smashing you to pieces.
  • Two squishies and a stabby go on a side quest down a secret passageway.
    • (3) flasks of liquid + a large treasure chest full of gold that’s still there for takesies.
  • Cha cha slide around the guest bedroom desk, and voila! (2) magic books!
  • AAAAA it’s Waxio! Who loves Freeze Tag.
  • Sleep is for the weak, lets go see that Jurassic Park over there!
• Hi, it’s a wyvern!
  • It’s tricky for Levi to attack because wyvern got some magic? Still, his machete lands a blow.
  • Tempe makes progress with her shortbow.
  • Vee goes for it with her trident AND… sweeps it through the air.
  • Orange slashes his rapier through… thin air. Vee disapproves.
  • Levi swings his machete. The wyvern magic ain’t doing him any favors.
  • Tempe’s shortbow gets tired. The arrows miss.
  • Vee’s Trident forks the wyvern. There’s holes, but no blood.
  • Zora’s not having a great time with that wyvern magic. Her rapier misses.
  • Orange has a rapier too, but misses. Vee disapproves (2).
  • Wyvern bites Levi and hits him with his tail.
  • Zora’s rapier slices through thin air.
  • Levi and his machete are still battling wyvern magic.
  • Tempe keeps shooting her arrows, but they don’t land where she wants.
  • Vee’s Trident gives it a solid SHANK.
  • Mode: BLOOD_ORANGE is inspired. His rapier pierces through the wyvern. It melts into a pool of wax. Vee approves.
• Everyone is disappointed that it’s not a real wyvern.
• Levi has GAINED (1) NEW NICKNAME! Introducing… Poppy Red on Red, aka Harbinger of Death.
• There’s a door! Zora checks it for traps. She doesn’t find any, but there’s a whining sound.
• Behind the door there’s six dog cages. Doggos look malnourished and not taken care of. Yeah, remember previous sessions when we talked about doggos?
  • Levi and Zora rushes in, with Vee close behind with rations and water.
  • Tempe hangs around the doorway, keeping an eye outside and inside. Glimber waits for Zora outside.
  • Out of the six, five of the doggos are okay with getting leashed and following the two rangers + Zora out the cages. Bitey the Stubborn needs another minute to think about it.
• So! We take the doggos back to the skiff and the river for them to drink. After a brief discussion, Tempe casts Speak with Animals to try and pick at their doggo brains.
• tl;dr: their owner keeps them here but also takes them out for walkies. the owner also carried weird-smelling things, and maybe moved through walls?
• The doggo she communicates with thinks she’s chill. He starts following her, which… is unexpected. Both Levi and Tempe agree that the latter will turn the other cheek if Levi ever wants to murder the owner.
• Three other doggos follow the first one, but one ends up sitting back in the cage after Zora opens the doggy door.
• So…
  • Southy Mouthy™ = a room after about ten feet, there’s wax on the floor.
  • Westy Besty™ = a corridor
• Southy Mouthy™ leads to a room with a frick ton of holes drilled into walls. There’s a smashed boulder.
  • Levi walks in and Tempe hears a CLICK. She tries to warn the others about the trap maybe being set off, but Levi’s too far in and a big fat boulder hulk-smashes against him. And while Levi’s kind of a hulk himself, he’s not like… superhuman.
    • Note: there’s probably magic because that boulder GROWS as it’s shot out of those teeny holes.
  • While Zora tries to decipher the trap, Tempe casts Orison on Levi 3 times to get him back to his “somewhat okay to fight” stage.
  • Turns out, there was a plate that triggered the trap. We were so busy looking at the holes in the walls that we didn’t catch it. Zora disables the trap, and gets acquainted with it so well she can build her own, minus the magic.
• After crossing this weird room, there’s another room that looks like someone lived in it. There’s also a hallway with more doors.
  • West door: it’s a kitchen! With some weird human-sized wax mannequin.
    • Zora finds some food for Tempe’s doggo and Rothuss tests out some wax pieces to see if they create green footprints.
  • East door: it’s a bedroom! A fancy bed that hasn’t been slept in, desk, cabinet, wine rack, and a bar.
• Let’s explore this East Door Bedroom!
  • Cabinet: a variety of miniature wax figures, scented candles, and 10 books.
  • Desk: several sheets of parchment for writing with very crude attempts at spelling and drawing; a journal where the entries stop a couple of months ago. It has the name ‘Lazio Sharpe’ written on it. Lirt finds that the writing on the journal and parchment are different.
  • Bar & Wine rack: Zora takes an expensive bottle of wine for Levi; Lirt takes bottles too, but they got magic written on the label.
  • There’s an empty wall that Zora finds weird. She explores it… and as she’s doing so, there’s a CLICK.
  • Ooo, a secret passage? Two squishes and Zora waddle inside to investigate. In hindsight, that probably wasn’t the greatest of ideas. Glimber and Tempe’s doggo are waiting at the entrance, looking very worried.
  • The narrow passage opens up. Zora steps into the bigger space and is met with Stirges. Mosquitbats again??
  • Oh but also there’s 2 treasure chests, which is… appealing?
• Stirges, Round 2. And look, three juice boxes, all warm and ripe for the picking.
  • Zora yells out what sounds like a battle cry, dashes forward, and tries to pierce one with her rapier. Stirge 1 flaps out of reach.
  • Stirge 4 wants Tempe to be its juicebox. So now it’s attached.
  • Stirge 5 wants a juice box too, but Zora’s too invisible to nab.
  • Tempe stabs Stirge 4 to get it off of her, but gets Stirge 3 attached.
  • Stirge 1 wants some of Zora. No invisible juice for you.
  • Lirt takes a dagger and stabs Stirge 2. Not dead enough (1).
  • Stirge 6 gets a good bite of Zora. Mm, invisible juice.
  • Stirge 2 bites Lirt. Mm, magic juice. Which… isn’t that just a potion?
  • Stirge 6 continues to enjoy invisible juice. Zora’s not having it though, and YAY it’s dead.
  • Stirge 5 watches Stirge 3 and decides it wants to join the party. Holy Water juice seems to be in season.
  • Tempe’s like “excuse me sirs, WAIT YOUR TURN! … please.” and stabs Stirge 3 with her dagger. Not dead enough (2).
  • Stirge 1 finally gets to Zora. Mm, invisible juice.
  • Stirge 2 keeps enjoying its magic juice. Lirt gives it the middle finger and burns it off of her.
  • At this point Rothuss hears yelling and is disappointed no one waited for him to join in on the fun.
  • Stirge 1 doesn’t enjoy invisible juice for long. Zora’s dagger comes down on it.
  • Tempe tries to stab Stirge 3, but she’s losing life essence pretty quickly.
  • Lirt brings a dagger on Stirge 5. Not dead enough (3).
  • Rothuss, doggo, and Glimber arrive at the scene of three ladies and a carnage of stirges. He lunges, practically RIPS Stirge 3 off of Tempe and yeets it against the floor.
  • Zora pierces Stirge 5. It flops to the floor.
  • Tempe recovers from having mosquitbat teeth ripped across her and stabs Stirge 3.
  • Goodbye stirges.
• Wow, that took way longer than it should have! As the dust settles, Zora hands Tempe a potion with a happy face on it. Vee-spit or otherwise, beggars can’t be choosers so bottoms up! And hey, she feels better! To return the favor, she returns Zora and Lirt to full health via Orison. She also heals Rothuss a little bit for yanking out a stirge.
• Anyways, two treasure chests need looting. The first one doesn’t have any traps, so Rothuss goes over to find it full of gold. Zora disables the trap on the second treasure bin and finds three “flasks of liquid”. Two of them look like healing potions that Tempe just drank, so Zora takes the flasks to test them later.
  • We have received: (3) flasks of potions!
  • The chest full of gold coins is too heavy and weighty to carry out through the narrow passage. Imagine that— having the financial means but not able to physically bear its weight.
• Anyways, we return to the fancy bedroom to explore some more! Lirt decides to rest a little bit on the musty princess bed while the rest of us try to find more secret compartments.
• Notes for Wendy’s (1) Brain Cell: We will most likely name the doggo if it keeps following Tempe around. So far Rascal is the only suggestion, so… vote now on your phones?
• As we scour the place up and down, Tempe leans down next to the desk. There are no drawers, which is kinda sus. Rothuss suggests the top lid, so Tempe checks the underside of the desk and finds a latch thingy. In natural Levi fashion, she goes for it without waiting for Zora to check for traps. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back? Rothuss stands behind her, most likely questioning her sanity and preparing to yoink her away from any Jack-in-the-Box horrors that might pop out at her.
• After some trial and error, the desk finally unveils itself. It’s got two gigantic books with magical writing. She utilizes the two with the least squishy arms to help her carry it out. Mel sniffs the book like old times, only to find that… it stinks of wax. How dare the wax take away the beautiful scent of musty old pages? Tempe and Rothuss both decide that it’s… well, from all the wax figurines and candles that are literally littered about the room. But it’s definitely someone who can cast spells.
  • We have gained: (2) magical books the weight of a gigantic atlas!
• Bye fancy bedroom!
• So when do we get our Vitamin D? Not now, there’s more doors. Sad days. Rothuss, Tempe, and Zora triple check the door before opening it. Levi returns just in time for another tour of another fancy-shmancy room… with equally fancy-shmancy illusions, as Tempe points out. The fancier the stuff, the shmancier the illusions. So the waterfall and the nice window isn’t real. We check out some of the art and the furniture, but leave it mostly alone.
• Rothuss gets bored just staying in a room full of illusions. He walks over to the other door and listens at it before beelining back with a NOPE look on his face. Tempe asks what’s up, and he’s like “there’s noise coming from that room” like there hadn’t been noise in caverns and passageways in this anthill of a cave.
• Tempe is like “be more specific, buster”. Apparently it’s a lot of chanting. Most likely some spellcaster, which spells double trouble cauldron bubble for us.
• Rothuss wants to know if we want to not die or risk dying now. Honestly it sounds more like risk dying now vs. dying later, and who wants to delay the risk of death, anyhow? Not I.
• So onwards, to potential death, with very minimal plans! tl;dr, Rothuss is distracting, Levi, Mel, and Zora are most likely shooting slicing stabbing shanking, and Tempe is staying at the back to try and stop the spellcasting in case things get dicey. Pun intended.
• The room’s got some fresh oxygen marinated in the fumes of cooked wax. Some human in a cloak with a staff in his hand is overseeing this under-the-basement hobby, totally rocking the grim reaper vibe.
• Yer a wizard, Waxio! Sounds like a bootleg version of Wario.
  • While Levi chats him up, Rothuss and Zora sneaks up to the scaffolding. Okay, Zora sneaks up the scaffolding. Rothuss is kinda blatantly doing it. Which gets Waxio pretty upsetti spaghetti.
  • Waxio points his staff at Rothuss to cast some weird wax voodoo. Tempe casts Silence on him and now nobody hears what the heck he’s saying. Which is nice, but he’s got a staff, so it doesn’t do much good.
  • Rothuss is subjected to a game of involuntary freeze tag.
  • Levi’s arrow lands on Waxio. ‘Tis but a scratch, but a solid scratch.
  • Zora takes her trusty rapier and slices Waxio across and doesn’t fall!
  • Tempe tries to assist with her shortbow. It says no wizards for me.
  • Mel joins Zora on the scaffold and doesn’t fall! (A pasta fish, a pasta fish…)
  • Waxio is upset that these hooligans are interrupting his pet project. Fists of Fury (Dark Ver.) sucker punches Zora multiple times.
  • Zora tells him to try harder and swishes her rapier. Turns out he doesn’t have to try. He dodges, and the force of her attack propels her off the scaffold. A bathtub of wax awaits her.
• Intermission: It’s pretty much all downhill from here.
  • Levi is telling Orange to try and help Zora, but he’s not budging. What does he have against Levi anyway?
  • Tempe zooms over there to see if she can help… and thinks twice. She couldn’t even cross a bridge with rope, who’s to say she can climb a ladder + pull out a person from sticky wax? Not her with her jello arms and fifty-fifty balance. So she channels anger at Waxio instead. I call this Mode: Temper. It does well with shortbow.
  • Melange is trying to use his buckler to push Waxio off. He stumbles a little, but stays on his feet.
  • Don’t celebrate too soon though. Melange gets volunteered for this game of freeze tag too. Thanks Waxio.
  • Levi is most likely Not Happy that Waxio just cast paralysis on his baby. He keeps shooting his arrows and IT’S A HIT! How many arrows does it take to destroy a Waxio?
  • Tempe feels desperate enough to gamble with wax. She manages to yank Zora further out, but falls forward into the vat due to her godforsaken balance.
  • Glimber reaches for her but is a second too late.
  • Orange hears Zora and tries to reach for Tempe but misses.
  • Zora holds her breath before pushing against the sticky wax to get out. Just a little bit more!
  • Tempe struggles to get herself and Zora out of the wax. She pulls herself up to the surface and catches the rim, but loses Zora in the process.
  • Frozen Orange Pops, anyone?
  • Levi keeps shooting his arrows and it keeps hitting! At least one thing is going well.
  • Zora breaks the surface after Tempe.
  • Encouraged by the fact that Zora is still alive and kicking, Tempe heaves and flops out of the vat.
  • Glimber reaches for Zora, pulls her up, but falls in holding her. Tempe is a beat late trying to stop him. Still, that puts Zora at the rim of the vat.
  • Tempe reaches for Zora again, but slippery wax hands aren’t helping.
  • Waxio tries to get Tempe to play freeze tag too, but Tempe’s in Temper Mode and has zero intention on entertaining him.
  • Glimber is a champ and yanks Zora out of the vat!
  • Levi finally delivers the killing blow. Good freaking riddance, Waxio.
• That was a whole brain melt. Tempe helps Levi with his baby, immediately runs over to cast Cure Mod on Zora, and then grabs the guy’s staff. She now has two wands to bludgeon— I mean, cast with.
• Everyone goes to the fancy shmancy bedroom to gather sanity, brain cells, marbles… whatever we lost. Zora passes around some heckin good rum that Tempe opts out of to be a guinea pig for potions instead.
• She drinks two of the healing potions, feels better, and leaves one for Melange. She heals Levi, and then tells Glimber to hang out with Zora until she can sleep and get more spell slots.
• Intermission for Wendy’s Brain Melt: So, question. How is it that we have to abandon science, but still abide by “you sleep only at night”? Listen, if I didn’t have grown up obligations like… I dunno, my job, I’d probably climb into bed and sleep for 48 hours. Also noting the fact that we are in a cave, there’s no daylight to tell the time with, so who cares if we sleep?
• Whatever, Wendy Brain Melt Sesh done. While Zora and Glimber raid the kitchen for sustenance, two babies and their third wheel and the team mascot decide to check out other places.
• Lookit, another door! Open sesame, let’s see what sort of potential death awaits.
  • There’s some still water that’s definitely not drinkable.
  • (3) crudely-constructed platforms arranged in a semi-circle and raised 12 feet above the boggy ground.
  • Lotsa moss and branches and green nature over those domes.
  • A wicker cage on the branches with some near-skeleton of a human inside.
  • Lotsa lizard men.
  • Their food is in nets in trees.
  • A large, single-horned rhinoceros-like dinosaur grazes amidst the encampment.
• All Wendy can say is… have fun with Jurassic Park.

Quotes of the Night

Lisa: talk to animals might be interesting here
Lisa: as we try to kill it …
Carissa: lmao
Carissa: like the lizards!
BOB chuckles
Carissa: "I just want to be your friend!" *stab*

Vee Barlett: That's my approach to pigs. Mind you, it is medically approved stabbing with a needle for blood, but same approach nonetheless. Carissa (Vee Barlett): ooc Lemon: With Vee, I would believe it either way
BOB Reminder to not startle Carissa
wyjyoon (Temperance): stab reflex
Carissa (Vee Barlett): lmao

Lemon (Levi Reed): I swear to god, if you let these dogs die, I WILL quit this game
Lemon (Levi Reed): So whatever your plan is for this, BOB, think about it very carefully right now lol
wyjyoon (Temperance): no dying dogs for me
Carissa (Vee Barlett): his plan better be future dog army for us
Carissa (Vee Barlett): rangers befriending dogs unite!

BOB WOW
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): good wow?
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): or she just killed herself wow?

TMO (Rothuss Carder): Who has a torch?
wyjyoon (Temperance): me
Inv Zora Polasis: I'll go check the other door while you look here
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): zora and Tempe
Effect ['LIGHT: 15/15 torch'] -> [EXPIRED] [on Inv Zora Polasis] Effect ['LIGHT: 15/15 torch'] -> [EXPIRED] [on Temperance] wyjyoon (Temperance): ohp
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): thanks bob
BOB DOH
BOB Sorry
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): no one mention the lights! lol
BOB LOL

Rothuss Carder: Why do you always find trouble when I'm not with you?
Temperance: We find trouble whether you are here or not, Rothuss.

Lemon (Levi Reed): Should we... name the dog? Or is it too soon?
wyjyoon (Temperance): feel free to suggest!
BOB You named one of them and it left you

Temperance: slides the latch to the left.
BOB it moves easily
Temperance: slides it to the right.
BOB it moves easily
wyjyoon (Temperance): ( cha cha real smooth )
BOB take two steps back,
BOB grins
wyjyoon (Temperance): lol i must really be tired if i'm on bob's wavelength
Shislif (MeLange): lol

TMO (Rothuss Carder): he only has a Wisdom of 9... he shouldn't be very intuitive, but that would be boring.
BOB He is not safe but he is smart

Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): death by boiling wax is kind of cool
wyjyoon (Temperance): sounds like something zora would say
wyjyoon (Temperance): and vee

Lemon (Levi Reed): Motion to shorten his name to Waxio

Session 20240920c - 20240920s

• Happy Birthday, Builder of the Plans™! This is… part 5 (?) of the Pointy-Ear Cave Series! And I call it the Pointy-Ear cave because we seem to be finding a couple of them in here. Accepting requests for a better name, please and thank you.
• Quick Skim of the Night:
  • Watch 1: Vee and Orange
  • Watch 2: Zora and Levi
  • Watch 3: Lirt and Tempe
  • A pasta fish, a pasta fish... whoa, is that a dead body?
  • Make a blood sacrifice to a pointy-eared goddess statue?
  • If we take this skiff up the river, well find fresh air, right?
  • Yay, it’s more cave. What a surpri- HOLY MOTHER, that’s also a wyvern.
• Zora finds some avenues that more lizards could crawl out of. We block those off with debris.
• Tempe heals those that require it before everyone settles in for a watch shift or hits the hay.
• Much to Zora’s chagrin…Vee and Post-Curse Orange settle in for Watch 1.
  • As always, Vee does her Vee thing. What’s your purpose, your goals? What do you want? Grilled Orange is pretty straightforward. He wants his name cleared and Vee to hang around more than temporarily because she’s his version of Cool Girl.
  • They talk a little about themselves. How his ship sank, how his parents don’t really like her, etc.
• Oh, and mull over the blood-sucking puddle. Blacksmiths? Dragons? Dragon Blacksmiths? Yeah, creativity has no bounds.
• And then Zora wakes up for Watch 2. Orange goes off to sleep, and Vee gives Zora a recap while waiting for Levi. It’s mostly about Orange, which Zora is not having any of.
  • They test out the three vials from the Voodoo Witch Belt. All of them are potions!
  • We’ve gained: (1) Levitation Potion, (1) Forgetfulness Potion, (1) Healing Potion!
  • Levi and Zora find that both of them are great at ranting and listening to rants. They rant about Vee’s relationships, Levi’s Almost-Son, The Snow Man, and how solid morals and boundaries are awesome.
  • Oh yeah, and they discuss whether the CHURCH as a collective system is a great place to be. It’s lots of skepticism vs. loyalty to the system. Which, hey— both experiences are valid. The Church Collective is quite… subjective.
• Zora and Levi wake up Lirt and Tempe for Third Watch. ( + Rothuss, who wakes up later. )
  • The two spellcasters make more of an effort to be more social and conversational. And considering their usual reticence, it’s progress! Lirt’s wry, light humor sits well with Tempe, like her cooking. They mostly talk about ship design and weird figureheads and arson.
  • Rothuss is weirded out that the two supposedly most “reasonable” people are talking about burning figureheads and points out that it probably isn’t a good idea to burn parts of a ship. You know, because of wood and all?
• Good morning! Not sure how we know that, because it’s still dark and dank, but well… let’s light a lamp and get goin’! Do we have a plan? Nah, who needs that when it all goes out the window when we panic?
• Oh hey, there’s that Bridge!
  • Levi’s like “heck no where’s the safety on this thing”.
  • Vee ties a rope around herself, runs across, and then goes “there’s safety for ya!”
• Levi and Vee are on the other side, but before everyone can go a pasta fish– I mean, across the bridge, gigantic mosquitbats (courtesy of JTom) start attacking.
• Stirges!!
  • Zora attempts to make a Stirge-kabob to Stirge 3 with her rapier but only stabs air.
  • Lirt roasts Stirge 5 with Burning Hands.
  • Levi’s grounds Stirge meat with his machete.
  • Tempe shoots Stirge 2 with her shortbow.
  • Stirge 4 wants Levi’s blood.
  • Vee’s like “how many times do we gotta talk about consent??” and forks Stirge 4 with her Trident.
  • Stirge 3 tries with Lirt.
  • Stirge 1 craves some Blood Orange.
  • Orange is like “heck no” and stabs it with his rapier.
  • Zora tries to make Stirge 3 a kabob. It flutters out of reach.
  • Tempe shoots Stirge 3 out of the sky with her shortbow.
• As stirges fall into the abyss… Levi and Lirt see a body. Is it the Admiral? Nah, but she has pointy ears. If we understood Glimber we’d have known her name was Wisteria.
  • We’ve gained: some rations, torches, (1) wand, and some... wine?
• Hey look, a river! And a skiff to ride on, nice!
• There’s also this stone statue of a pointy-eared lady. There’s some stone toads, and there’s a hollowed skull in her hand.
• Glimber tries his best to tell them that it’s Belorphyn, the deity of… death? She takes the dead across the river, apparently. The toads are her symbol of death. But we don’t speak gnome, so… we use simple words and squint at motions to try and figure out what he wants us to do.
• tl;dr, Zora sacrifices some blood on the skull, and Lirt writes down the magic word that Glimber tries to communicate.
• With Vee as our guide dog for fresh air, up the river we go! We land on the beach and find… more caves. Dear lord, are we there yet???
• It’s an open cave. And what the heck— is that a dragon??
• Nah, it’s a wyvern. But it’s just as bad.

Quotes of the Night

Michael: Did you do something fun for B-Day bob?
BOB This

Lisa: lol Hi Michael :)
Lisa: and everyone with less exclamation points :D

Lisa: It’s uooznanimous

BOB The Graduation story arc
wyjyoon (Temperance): alexa play pomp and circumstance
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): lol
BOB On bagpipes

wyjyoon (Temperance): never thought i’d see the word butt used so many times in the span of a conversation.

Ruffus DeOrange: I feel fine
Ruffus DeOrange: you think I have a disease?
mharmon1: (STD if anything)

Inv Zora Polasis: A potion of forgetfulness?
Lemon (Levi Reed): Maybe we should all take a sip of that one and try to block out those pod people
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): lol
wyjyoon (Temperance): lol pod people ptsd

Carissa (Vee Barlett): I'll slap him next time I see him for you, Mini.
JtomTMO (Lirtimya): His response "She can't reach my head"
Carissa (Vee Barlett): Wow. Rude. He's getting double slaps now!

Lemon (Levi Reed): (a pasta fish, a pasta fish. come on and take a turn and go a pasta fish)

Lemon (Levi Reed): You can still roll
Lemon (Levi Reed): Don't listen to BOB
Temperance: [INIT] [d10 = 4]
wyjyoon (Temperance): *does not listen to BOB*

JtomTMO (Lirtimya): Roast bat
wyjyoon (Temperance): roast mosquitoes?
Carissa (Vee Barlett): yum
JtomTMO (Lirtimya): Roast Mosquitbat

BOB As they die they fall out of the air and down into the crevice
Carissa (Vee Barlett): splatquitos

Levi Reed: You guys smell that fresh air?
MeLange: not really
Vee Barlett: I've been smellin' it for miles. That why we went upstream.
MeLange: Think he's just farting for rest of us n calling it fresh air
Levi Reed: Nah, did enough of that last night

Session 20240913c - 20240913s

• Hello folks! Welcome to round 4 of Jilanth caves! It’s long and twisty and dark and dank, let’s get some vitamin D at some point?
• Quick Skim of the Night:
  • What’s with that Dragon door? To be continued…
  • What’s with that blood-sucking puddle?
  • What’s with the well and the stinky room?
  • What’s with that weird ring (3)?
  • Oh hi Giant Lizards!
• Dragon Door
  • So flashback to when Zora identifies this mechanism as a whole trap. We know that:
    • Anyone who tries to fool around with it will cease to be 3-dimensional any longer.
    • Some loud alarm will go off.
  • Rothuss gets bored and checks out this door. He’s like hey, that symbol on the door reminds me of this other symbol I saw before! Dragon’s Gulch and all that, but tl;dr he confirms what Zora told us.
  • Tempe is not too keen on trying her luck with this trap door. There’s a high chance that there’ll be nothing on the other side, so why waste the time to try it out?
  • We decide to revisit.
• Collapsed Ceiling + Rubble
  • Zora asks Rothuss to see if he’ll be up for climbing first. Equipped with a lamp and whatever luck he has left, he shuffles up… to find himself face-to-face with a holder creeper resting there. Google says it’s a plant with green spider legs + some wavy beanstalk tentacles??
• The Creepy Crawly Carnivorous… Plant??
  • Creeper is like mm nutrition and goes for any creature’s weak spot: the neck.
  • Rothuss grabs his main-gauche to see if it’ll hit it to get it off. His blade isn’t done warming up.
  • Zora feels bad she sent him up first and goes up to help him out. Her dagger goes NOPE.
  • Tempe casts Orison with calming effects to tell said creature to calm the heck down.
  • Initiating… Mode: Blood Oran— sequence paused, assessing situation.
  • Creeper has a zen moment and ambles off to caress its treasure.
  • Rothuss is free! … to fall down to the other side of the rubble.
  • Vee turns the corner to check out what the hold up is about.
  • Zora continues to attempt a shank at the rest of the Creepers. Dagger’s not having it.
  • Tempe’s like Orange, I choose you! pokemon style and sends him off to help Zora out.
  • Mode: BLOOD_ORANGE activated.
• While Orange helps the rest of us over the rubble, Zora checks out the treasure hoard. Some are random shiny things, but others have more value.
  • + 1 gold key, set of silver cutlery, a pewter tankard!
• On the other side of the debris, there’s…

1. a door to the South
2. a well to the Northeast

• Levi hears crying and screaming. He believes it’s coming from behind the door.
• Zora thinks the key opens the door, so we decide to check it out. She checks it for traps, and in we go!
• Is it a bird, a plane? A ghost? Nope, some poor creature by the name of Glimber Silvernose 1 is suspended by fraying rope like some messed up chandelier. Does that mean there’s more Glimber Silvernoses? Anyway, we’re not sure what kind of creature, but they’ve definitely been through the ringer. Blood and crude stitching is involved, with some weird puddle thing slurping up life essence. Sounds like some weird version of a pokemon.
• Hey google, can we stab a puddle?
  • So apparently puddle is called a Grey Ooze, but we’re just gonna call it puddle.
  • Levi shoots an arrow at the puddle. Looks like it did the trick?
  • He tries to combine brain cells with Zora and Tempe to be more sure. Brain cells are in airplane mode, so the answer is…?
  • Levi moves in with his machete! Which gives the puddle a good beating before it dissolves like the Wicked Witch of the West in water. Turns out, the arrowhead dissolved too! Which means puddle’s digestive acids are no joke.
  • Zora searches for any handy femur and comes up with… nothing. She volunteers her dagger as tribute to try and stab it. Dagger doesn’t want to dissolve.
  • Puddle’s like guess what humans I move! It slaps some HP out of Levi.
  • Vee’s raising eyebrows and crossing arms from the corner, no doubt questioning our choices.
  • Tempe grabs an arrow and fires. Arrow goes no puddles for me!
  • Rothuss watches the other hallway to make sure nobody’s sneaking. But also, he might enjoy our fight with the puddle with a bowl of popcorn.
  • Levi doesn’t like that this puddle is getting away with slapping people around. His dagger gives the puddle a good stabbing before… presumably dissolving?
  • Tempe feels momentarily violent and repeatedly shoots arrows at the puddle until it stops moving.
• So… now what? This human-ish creature’s still screaming and saying words that we don’t understand. The puddle’s still there, so after a brief discussion Levi gives up his pretty red cloak to cover it up. Until next time, Little Red Riding Hood Levi. Rothuss cuts the rope, and the humanoid falls into Levi’s arms.
• Tempe casts another Orison to heal Levi and the strange humanoid. Creature isn’t bleeding anymore, but needs a moment to take in the fact that he was just on a weird seesaw with Death.
• Vee and Orange are curious about that other hallway Rothuss was watching. We’re all overdue for sleep and vitamin D and fresh air, but Vee coaxes us into one more hallway, so off we go!
• The room smells like Death and bodies. Not everyone’s okay with it.
• Vee finds another ring. Tempe peers over her shoulder and realizes that there’s some “bureaucratic inscription” which translates: to shoot straight and true, one must first believe he can.
• Rothuss gets reminded of fortune cookie riddles. Do fortune cookies exist? Vee’s not a fan of vague riddles, so she tosses it to Tempe to have her hold onto it. Levi’s pretty sure it’s magical, and Tempe tries to take her mind off the smell by thinking.
• There’s a well in the center of the room. After poking around it, we decide to keep going. Levi wants everyone to know that his gut is getting heebie-jeebies from the well.
• We stumble out of that stinky room… into another room. It has doors on the left, and a bridge to the right.
• Rothuss puts an ear to one door, doesn’t hear anything, opens it, sees a dead carcass of something, and promptly closes it. He’s seen too many dead things and would prefer not to see any more.
• Vee wants to get a better look, so she goes with Rothuss to poke around. The dead thing is a creeper. You know, that plant thing that attacked Rothuss earlier? Oh, hey, is that a lizard? Nope, there’s two.
• Vee calls for back-up, so Tempe, Lirt, and Levi walk in to see what’s up with these lizards. Turns out they’re pretty darn big.
• Hey Lizard, wanna be friends? Ignore the fact that we just trespassed your territory, of course.
  • After determining that these lizards tried to attack, Tempe goes for an arrow. Apparently it says yes to puddles but no to lizards.
  • Levi’s still huffy about the loss of his machete, and his other machete shares this sentiment. It swings and misses.
  • Lizard 2 tries to bite Vee. Vee’s too fast.
  • Blood Orange has a hard time booting up.
  • Rothuss grabs his sabre and tries to stab Lizard 1. Blade lands on the back leg.
  • Lizard 1 gets huffy that these humans are stabbing it. It bites Rothuss as payback.
  • Zora motions our rescued humanoid to stay out before running in to stab Lizard 1. Rapier isn’t warmed up yet.
  • Vee gets into a shanking mood. Her trident gives Lizard 2 a light scratch.
• Intermission for Weird Magic Ring.
  • Tempe puts the ring on her finger. She intends to reach for another arrow, but grabs her quarterstaff instead before stuff gets blurry. One thunderclap later, she’s in some mountain meadow with three arrows. Apparently, her body’s with the group and the lizards, but her mind is in the meadows like a weird moment of dissociation.
  • Some noble lord is asking her to kill some witch for his blessing. The way to do that is to shoot the crow without shooting the doves. Tempe wants to nope out as fast as she can. So while she doesn’t like agreeing to deals she can’t keep her end on, she takes him up on it to get mind-teleported back to reality.
  • She shoots one arrow, misses, and WHOOSH returns to herself bashing a lizard with her staff.
• Back to Barbara with the Lizards!
  • Levi’s machete smells blood and rises up from its funk. It gives a big slash to Lizard 1.
  • Vee’s fast feet do her some good when Lizard 2 tries to bite her again. She tells Orange to stab the thing until it’s dead.
  • Rothuss keeps working on Lizard 1. He aims for the neck but the lizard skin deflects it.
  • Lizard 1 is like how dare you human and tries to bite Rothuss. Rothuss is too quick for it.
  • Orange aims and stabs but misses.
  • Vee swings her trident at Lizard 2 and… nice! There’s lizard blood.
  • Zora activates slashing with her rapier. Lizard 1 stands no chance.
  • Tempe swings her quarterstaff, but is still disoriented from getting mind-teleported.
  • Levi’s machete’s getting tired of doing the job of two machetes.
  • Lizard 2 wants to chomp Vee, but Vee says NOPE.
  • Mode: Blood Orange… activation complete. Yay, more lizard blood.
  • Rothuss wants to slash instead of stab. He gives Lizard 1 a head wound.
  • Lizard 1 attempts a chomp at Rothuss as payback, but that head wound doesn’t do it favors.
  • Vee stabs Lizard 2 with her trident for trying to bite her. It’s a good stab.
  • Zora’s rapier is doing pretty good against Lizard 1.
  • Tempe attempts another hit with her staff. Both her and the staff are over it.
  • Levi’s machete puts Lizard 1 out of its misery.
  • Lizard 2 is not happy with these humans killing one of its own. It takes a bite out of Vee.
  • Lirt continues to observe. Too many humans for her to be shooting anything.
• Just taking a moment to realize that giant lizards take a long time to die.
  • Orange tries to stab Lizard 2 with his Rapier but misses.
  • Rothuss moves to help with Lizard 2. He stabs into the flank, and hey, that’s blood.
  • Vee shanks Lizard 2 with her Trident.
  • Zora follows suit with her Rapier. It’s a solid shank.
  • Levi’s machete slashes Lizard 2.
  • Lizard attempts one last bite at Vee. Blood loss isn’t helping its aim.
  • Orange takes another stab. It’s a solid one, but not enough to kill it.
  • Rothuss decides on beheading. It doesn’t work out as he hopes.
  • Vee deals the final blow. Bye lizards!
• Oh hey, that’s a longsword! It temporarily replaces Levi’s dearly missed machete. RIP Machete.
• Oh, and there’s also 4 arrows that Wendy missed the first time around + some gold. Yay for gold.
• Tempe takes the weird ring off of her before it mind-teleports her again. Rothuss knows lizard teeth could make magical daggers, which is nice. Stabby things + magic? Heck yeah!
• + 15 teeth to make stabby shanky things.
• With that done… we hunker down with the dead lizards to get some sleep?
• Potential Places to Revisit?
  • Dragon door
  • Unfinished ship with the headpiece thing?
• Next on Weird Cave Adventures: Where’s Firebeard Anyway?

Quotes of the Night

wyjyoon: so far just us for a while until tmo or lemon shows
JtomTMO: TMO should be here soon
JtomTMO: He left the room and now I have no idea where he went
BOB That is very funny
wyjyoon: lol watch your head : P
BOB HAH

TMO (Rothuss Carder): my map is pure black too. zooming isn't changing anything
wyjyoon (Temperance): oof they are in the void
BOB Forgot to tell TMO about that trap
BOB So 4d6 drop the lowest, rearanage in the order you like......
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): the debris pile is another trap?
BOB LOL
BOB no was a joke, a bad one apparently
BOB a dark one
TMO (Rothuss Carder): am I rolling to see if I'm still alive?
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): yes lol
BOB no to TMO
Rothuss Carder: [4d6 = 15]
TMO (Rothuss Carder): so... 4 5 5?
wyjyoon (Temperance): why are we rolling again?
BOB because BOB makes bad jokes
wyjyoon (Temperance): oh
TMO (Rothuss Carder): I think he was implying "roll a new character" situation
TMO (Rothuss Carder): but I took it literally. :)
BOB see at least TMO understands
BOB Lisa gets it but ignores me
wyjyoon (Temperance): i need another d&d braincell if i'm going to understand that in time
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): yes Ignore you :)
BOB HA

Ruffus DeOrange: [CHECK] Wisdom (vs. Target 4) [FAILURE by 12] [d20 = 16]
wyjyoon (Temperance): going back to carissa's quote: "his wisdom is a four??????"
Carissa (Vee Barlett): Question: why is the target 4? Isn't 12 -6.... 6?
BOB Ruffus RUNS forward, then when he has to decide who to protect (because Vee is one round behind) he stalls out and waits
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): don't try to think - you're not good at it
BOB He will need direction until this curse it lifted
Carissa (Vee Barlett): vee loves telling people what to do it's fine
Carissa (Vee Barlett): but back to my question: isn't 12-6 = 6??
BOB I will check that later
wyjyoon (Temperance): i just thought 16 - 4 was 12
wyjyoon (Temperance): maybe my math ain't mathing
BOB She means original Wisdom minus the curse
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): what's with all the maths?
wyjyoon (Temperance): ahhh
Carissa (Vee Barlett): his pre-curse wisdom was supposedly 12 (somehow) but now it's -8 rather than -6
Carissa (Vee Barlett): because I do sometimes math
Carissa (Vee Barlett): dunno just one of those days
wyjyoon (Temperance): lemon would be recoiling if she were here

Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): can she use her rapier to reach it?
BOB yes to Zora
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): bonus to hit calm thing?
BOB no
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): no fair
wyjyoon (Temperance): aw
BOB hah
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): will likely break the calm …
wyjyoon (Temperance): issok
wyjyoon (Temperance): if you want to stab go stab

Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): think Ruffus think

Lemon (Levi Reed): Look, the last thing that happened was Levi said "I guess you can stab a puddle" so you should all have figured out that he's about to run in there and stab a puddle.

Carissa (Vee Barlett): sorry what does vee need to do?
wyjyoon (Temperance): stab a puddle
BOB and Levi's machete dissolves
wyjyoon (Temperance): never mind don't stab that puddle

TMO (Rothuss Carder): the gnome has a metal nose, why is he vulnerable to the stench?

BOB You know I would not be surprised at all if there was someone behind one of these doors.... that you open next week (Birthday Game)..... planning? nahhhh, who would do that

Ruffus DeOrange: [CHECK] Wisdom (vs. Target 4) [FAILURE by 9] [d20 = 13]
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): get that man to stop trying to think!

JtomTMO (Lirtimya): I will become the new bard apparently, I'll just sit back here and cheer
TMO (Rothuss Carder): you can borrow my lute!

BOB There is nowhere for them to retreat to
Carissa (Vee Barlett): the ceiling??
Lemon (Levi Reed): Wherever they came from?
Carissa (Vee Barlett): you live in florida, man
wyjyoon (Temperance): they both gecko waddle to the ceiling
Carissa (Vee Barlett): you know lizards can climb away anywhere

Session 20240906c - 20240906s

• Hello folks! Welcome to round 3 of Jilanth caves! There’ll be at least one more round of cave tours, so buckle up, buttercup.
• Quick Skim of the Night:
  • Voodoo Witch casts some voodoo. But we leave with potions, tea, other loot, and our lives pretty intact.
  • Hey, that’s a longboat! + a nice figurehead. Under construction still, so revisit later?
  • A fork in the road! Go west and… whoa, rope moves? +1 key, cloak, apron, and some parchment.
  • A mining passageway! With three doors!
    • Door 1: Haunted Rum
    • Door 2: A study with scrolls and stuff.
    • Door 3: Dragon door... yet to be explored.
• We continue from that “Voodoo Witch” cliffhanger, with a dusty witch fingernail pointing to most likely turn us into dust?
• Dusty Double, Toil and Trouble
  • Tempe is feeling more reckless than normal and goes “ooo Turn?” Alas, mummy’s too high level for her.
  • Vee goes for a trusty trident stab. Trident avoids mummy dust like the plague. She decides a repeat of the Salem Witch Trials for an actual undead mummy witch won’t actually be too bad.
  • Mummy spits dust at the puny mortals and forces Tempe into an involuntary game of freeze tag.
  • Zora tries out Fists of Fury again. Alas, mummy remains alive and— er… undead and well?
  • Initiating… Mode: Blood Orange. Please wait, loading 55%
  • Vee scans the room with hawk-like precision and finds:
    • The stove has charcoal, unlit.
    • There’s a Sea Chest beneath the bunk.
    • No loose boulders.
  • And then she feels an itch and scratches it with two stabs from both Tridents? Towards the mummy, of course. One lands on her leg, one pins an arm down.
  • Levi goes over to cut the potions free from this dust. His hand slips because he sneezes from all the mummy dust.
  • Mode: Tactical Orange evidently suffers less buffering and wait time. He cuts the belt of potions free, but someone gotta pull it off.
  • Vee keeps mummy pinned to her seat.
  • Mummy’s like “these heckin mortals gonna be the death of me” and falcon punches Orange in the chest.
  • Zora uses stealth! It’s very effective, she now has the potions within her grip.
  • Lirt decides that cremation is a better end for this Undead. Arson is always the answer.
  • Levi’s wants a bonfire everyone can dance around when this undead mummy turns to ash. He pours more oil.
  • Re-initiating… Mode: Blood Orange. Please wait, loading 65%
  • Zora wants to join in the making of this bonfire. She takes hold of a torch and slams it down.
  • Lirt’s getting impatient that cremation’s taking so long. She adds another round of Burning Hands for good measure.
  • Levi throws some more oil to speed things up. Except it lands… uh… somewhere?
  • Mode: Blood Orange, loading 85%
  • Zora takes another swing with her torch. No need, there’s more bonfire than mummy dust now.
• Dance in jubilee, no more dust in the air! Just imagine adventurers circling a mummy, bunching hands and torches and canisters of oil as the fire burns. What a nice campfire.
• Orange keeps buffering, but the game of freeze tag ends, so everyone gets busy searching the room.
• Desk Drawer
  • Levi finds a journal, 3 gems, a flask of… some liquid, and a knife that slices his hand open.
  • He takes one look at the journal, tosses it to Tempe for her to figure out, and promptly searches for a bandaid to put on his owie. Because it’s looking a little weirdly red. Other than the blood, that’s normal. But lobster-red, spreading across skin? That’s weird.
  • Tempe takes a look at it and is like “just some red dye from a fish, no biggie”. Mr. Zero Hesitation lives to see his almost-son another day, yay.
  • And hey, some tea!
• Sea Chest
  • Zora checks the sea chest for traps. It has a magic lock on it! We pass on smashing, upon Zora’s request. While water for tea boils, they send buffering Orange to the elf room with the chest.
• Per Levi’s request, Tempe checks a couple pages of the journal to see if it’ll give her clues. It’s filled with treasure locations, places with traps, a list of people labeled “trouble” and “help” … in code.
• While Tempe may be a reader, she’s no code breaker. She turns to Zora for help, but neither are too sure what it is.
• Off we go! We have stuff to leave on the skiff. Except BOB— I mean Tempe realizes that there’s one other place she should mention. It leads the group to a longboat under construction, with no construction workers. Vee is expectedly enamored, but it’s too heavy to lug around. Vee and longboat’s figurehead story to be continued…
• There’s a fork in the road! Westy is besty™, so we… are led to some supply closet with rope and ship rigging, boxes of copper nails and stuff. There’s a skeleton there, most likely some shipwright, with something called an “adze” gripped in his hand. Apparently it’s an ax made of wood? BOB: An Adze is used in smoothing wood, see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adze
• It’s Rope Horror! Whatever that is.
  • Some creature that looks like a tree stump with wiggly arms has his sights set on Levi.
  • Vee’s Trident is awake and alive to advocate for consent.
  • Zora’s rapier wants to as well, but creature is too wiggly for its liking.
  • Turns out, rope doesn’t like being stabbed by tridents. Whodda thunk? It coils around Levi some more and lashes out at Zora for trying to help her friend.
  • Initiating… Mode: Blood Orange. Loading… 15%
  • Vee finishes it off with her trident. Like a fork stabbing spaghetti. Except… uh, spaghetti’s nice?
• Some stuff: a key, an apron, a cloak, and some parchment.
• Intermission for Confusion: So… does the key open the chest we got from that witch’s room? Or does the key open the little ship container inside? Both?
• We open the Sea Chest. Inside: some clothes, a pair of boots, and a schooner box. There’s also “personal effects” but what is that?
• Schooner box opens… to reveal a pipe, a pearl, and another ring. How many rings does it take for Vee to finally breathe water? This is probably the third one?
• Tempe’s light goes out. Zora and Levi hold lights now.
• Levi walks everyone to some old mining passageway. The corners are clean-cut, like they’ve been shaven down with intention. Clearly, someone lived here long enough to want to do that.
• There’s also…
  • A fallen ceiling with a chimney 30 feet above it.
  • A heavy iron door with a carving at the end of the short corridor. Engraving looks like a dragon sitting on a pile of coins.
  • Debris at the end of the corridor on the west side
  • Two more doors but not described.
• Zora’s interested with the dragon door. Turns out, it’s a whole trap. Should we try to open it, it slams on top of the person and sets off some shrieky alarms. She wants to try opening it without setting it off, but we decide to take a look at the other two doors first.
• Door Numero Uno
  • It has no traps and is unlocked. It’s chilly. Levi steps through the door and is greeted by large casks and a heavy scent of rum. Predictably, he’s very delighted until the door slams shut behind him.
  • There’s a weird voice speaking, but no one understands what it’s saying. After shouting various possible passwords, the door opens… to one of them?
  • As Levi tries to get out, a casket drops on Levi and Zora. They’re both fine, though Zora’s got rum all over her and will probably smell like she’s gone tavern-hopping.
  • The weird voice starts crying. The two don’t stay long enough to find out. There’s a short debate about rum, to be continued when we’re finished figuring out this Firebeard cave.
• Door Numero Dos
  • It’s a study! With lots of books and documents and stuff.
  • Zora looks at the stuff on the table and notices they’re not in Common, but not similar to the language on our weird map that we got.
  • Another journal! Coded in a language Zora doesn’t recognize.
  • Tempe notices that the order of the documents and stuff on the shelves are weirdly organized. Older documents on top, newer ones on the bottom. It’s interesting for her, but she prioritizes the journal, the quill and inkpot.
  • Zora decides to take a couple of scrolls, just to have that on hand.
• So far, lots of stuff gathered. Next episode we’re going to see if we still want to open the Dragon door.

Quotes of the Night

Carissa: hi mini!
Carissa: roll low so you can FLAMETHROWER
wyjyoon: lol no pressure
JtomTMO: Yayyy flamethrower

Lisa: too bad we can't see what those rings do
Lisa: protect from undead
Lisa: wishful thinking
wyjyoon (Temperance): that would be nice
Lisa: I know you want them to be merman dating rings
Carissa: lmao
Carissa: just underwater breathing! THEN she can date mermaids

Carissa (Vee Barlett): WHY DO YOU KEEP GIVING US THINGS WE CAN'T DAMAGEEEEEEEEEE

BOB Vee and Temp both see a bright red stain growing on Levi's skin around the wound
Temperance: releases a sigh of relief.
BOB The red is spreading up over Levi's arm
Levi Reed: Well... it was nice knowing you guys
BOB Flaming Hot Levi
Carissa (Vee Barlett): lmao
Levi Reed: If you ever see my almost son again, tell him I said I love him
Temperance: I believe this is only red dye from some rare fish.
Levi Reed: Oh... never mind

Levi Reed: Yeah, I'm not touching that one. Surely that has way more valuable stuff in it
Vee Barlett: But then yer gonna be a lopsided lobster. Gotta dye the other side.
BOB Oh it is spreading
Carissa (Vee Barlett): to his beautiful face?? because that'd be great
BOB over the next half hour all of Levi's skin turns bright red
wyjyoon (Temperance): oh lol so he's just gonna be one whole red bean

Inv Zora Polasis: Perhaps that is another Firebeard signature
Inv Zora Polasis: Red fiery skin
Vee Barlett: Redskin?
Levi Reed: Ooooh, I'm the new firebeard!
Vee Barlett: Hardly.

Ruffus DeOrange: [CHECK] Wisdom (vs. Target 4) [FAILURE by 7] [d20 = 11]
Carissa (Vee Barlett): his wisdom is 4??????
BOB Now it is under the curse
Carissa (Vee Barlett): that explains so much
Carissa (Vee Barlett): what was it before the curse?? 5???
BOB 12
Carissa (Vee Barlett): that seems too high for him but okay

Vee Barlett: Like stabbin' spaghetti 'cause it ain't what you wanted to eat but Pa says if ya don't eat it then ya get to starve so you stab at it angrily.
Levi Reed: Spaghetti is delicious, what's wrong with you?

Levi Reed: They match me
Vee Barlett: Well.... that's.... a look.
Temperance: Red on red.
Vee Barlett: Maybe gotta show Dad it... then he'll never think anything I ever wore was bad in comparison..
Levi Reed: I was just thinking I bet he could do wonders with this shade
Vee Barlett: Dad can work miracles, but even he has limits.

BOB meaning a pile of debris collapsed from the ceiling so you need to climb UP and around OVER etc to get to the other side
Carissa: all these cave collapses and landslides
Carissa: we need to get some dogs to start digging it all out
Lemon: Omggggg yes, a pet doggggggg. But it's never allowed to die. I don't care what happens to Levi, but the dog would have to always escape safely
wyjyoon: no dying dogs for me neither, thank you
BOB and magical dogs are in short supply

Session 20240830c - 20240830s

• Hello there! It’s the caves of Jilanth Round 2 in our hunt for green footprints and a dead not-dead pirate! Predictably, weird stuff happens.
• Some Notes:
  • Please check out Party Pack to see what items have been collected! So far, Wendy knows there’s been two rings, a magic scroll, a hand axe, and a crossbow + bolts, but we probably have more stuff.
  • Tempe’s list of spells should be up on her character page before our next session! Might make it easier for our group to know what she has access to.
• The Quick Skim:
  • The vibes are creepy and eerie in this cave.
  • Creepy crawly 1: A spider and lots of webbing that contain mummified human-looking creatures.
  • Creepy Crawly 2: Undead swashbucklers?
  • Creepy Crawly 3: A rat’s nest. And a lot of supplies?
  • Uh some Mummified Witch of Jilanth? Who is way more powerful than a creepy crawly.
• So we got that weird map and daggers that Zora swiped from that old moldy room. And nobody wants food poisoning, so onwards!
• There’s a fork up north, and some weird cavern in the south. Vee takes Zora and Orange to the south to make sure nothing’s sus over there.
• Word gets around that there’s “something alive” further in the caves. Which is very possible, any creepy crawly could be in these caves.
• Levi and Mel lead the front, Zora, Vee and Orange make sure no one trails after us, and squishy Tempe by default is the marshmallow middle to complete this idiot sandwich— I mean, nice toasty s’more.
• We walk in this sandwich line until Levi feels something weird. He’s like a geiger counter for weird creepy crawlies in caves? He’s not sure though, so Zora wiggles up front to check for traps and things that are more tangibly sus than… well, someone’s instincts?
• The light shows Zora right in the middle of a ton of spider webbing and– oh hey, is that a spider?
• Creepy Crawly Cave Creature Log 1: Giant Spider
  • Giant Spider looks at Zora and the rest of us and most likely goes “dang it’s a whole buffet”. It decides Zora is the appetizer and wraps her up.
  • Mel throws a hand axe at it to tell it to go away. Hand axe goes WHEEE and gives the spider a scratch.
  • Levi’s arrow joins in on the fun. It flies through the air and lands into some part of the spider.
  • Zora prays for a bit and tries to get out of the webbing. Unfortunately, deity’s office hours are closed.
  • Vee uses her trident like a gigantic fork and stabs it.
  • Spider gets all grumpy that food is fighting back, and waddles away somewhere else.
• Yay, no spider! But there’s weird bundles up there. Orange offers to set them on fire, but Zora says HECK NO, it could be the admiral! Apparently there’s no safe way to set things on fire.
• Anyways, he cuts Zora free and two silk cocoons fall to the floor. It’s raining spider silk and men, apparently.
• Just as everyone’s attention is turned to these weird mummified silk bundles OH HI that’s a third one. It tangles Vee and Tempe into some webbing, which takes a couple minutes to get out of.
• Let’s cut open these bundles of joy, shall we?
  • First one is a giant dead spider, obviously slashed by someone who could use a blade.
  • Second one is a very dead mage with a limb torn off. Oof.
  • Third one is a maybe-dead… uh… human with weird ears. An elf or a half-elf?
• Thinking that this weird creature was most likely poisoned by the spider, Tempe casts Slow Poison, hoping it’ll do him some good.
• There’s this weird passageway in the spider alcove. Tempe skirts around the webs to check it out. Zora follows behind her to make sure nobody tries to unalive the resident squish.
• The two keep walking, but the passage keeps getting narrow. They ponder returning, but decide to keep walking to find out.
• Levi’s concerned that resident squish is front and center for anything that could attack her. We form the idiot sandwich line again, and off we go!
• It’s kind of a long walk. Vee’s like “this ain’t it man” and so everyone backtracks.
• Melange drops the elf off in the map room and everyone walks in… a direction. Listen, this cave is just as confusing as the last one, if not much much bigger.
• We find ourselves in some cavern… with undead swashbuckler skeletons.
  • Tempe phones her God Bran for assistance. Bran answers, and she’s able to TURN 11 of the 12 skeletons.
• Intermission 1: The Void strikes back and everyone is booted off the server. It throws everyone off their game and Wendy gets confused. Why are we fighting when Tempe turned 11 of the 12 skeletons? Was it because there was 1 undead left? Bob says they had nowhere to run, and Wendy takes his word for it and assumes that it’s because group split up to surround them. We were all in a time crunch to finish the cave before we run out of lamplight.
  • Back to Barbara and the undead battlefield! This is a pretty long fight, honestly— so long that it requires a summary all on its own. TL;DR, Levi and Mel aren’t sure what’s going on, but continue smashing skeletons with machetes and hand axes. Zora’s femur does her some good until her punch becomes more lethal. Vee’s trident is less lucky, but the frustration brings out her Rage Mode and she goes overkill on a couple skeletons. Tempe stays scooted to the wall, shining the lamplight to help Vee see and chanting.
• The result is Dust to Dust, Ashes to Ashes.
• By this point, everyone is spitting dust and probably wanting to see daylight. Tempe casts Cure Moderate on Vee to make her feel better, and we all go to see what the debris is all about.
• Vee doesn’t want to waste time clearing it out, so we decide to check out an open chamber first.
• Levi goes inside to check it out, and a rat bites him for encroaching on its garbage dump. But he be a healthy boy, so no rat rabies for him, yay.
• Rats are unalived pretty easily, and Levi brings out a bunch of stuff. He doesn’t want to carry them all, though. Vee suggests Rothuss, who… is not here at the moment. Shame. So Levi gives a hand axe to Mel and Tempe offers to carry the crossbow and bolts since she doesn’t need her body to be light… most of the time.
• Ok, now can we go check out that debris thing? Levi and Mel use their muscles to dig away, and 30 minutes later, the passage is clear!
• Some grey-skinned, dried out carcass of a lady is sitting in a chair. She is “The Voodoo Witch of Jilanth”, apparently. As everyone takes in their surroundings, Tempe is like “flippity jibbits that’s a mummy”. Which is code for Super Powerful and Wendy has no idea if she can even roll anything on the 2d6s to Turn her, so… good luck to us?
• Thanks BOB for that cliffhanger : )

Quotes of the Night

Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): yes venomous spider trap
Levi Reed: Uh oh
Carissa (Vee Barlett): eat it then it's only poisonous
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): lol

Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): now I regret telling Mel to drop the elf - could have used him as a club :)
Shislif (MeLange): use the elf as a club? lol
Carissa: mel can just pick up one of us to use as a club
BOB with Lisa and good choice for Carissa

Levi Reed: [ATTACK (M)] [THACO(16)] [-4] [d20-4 = 1]
Attack [1] ->[ATTACK (M)] (Machete) [at Swashbuckler Skeletons 5] [Hit-AC: 15 vs. 7 ] [AC: 15 ] [MISS]
Levi Reed: [ATTACK (M)] [THACO(16)] [-4] [d20-4 = 8]
Attack [8] ->[ATTACK (M)] (Machete) [at Swashbuckler Skeletons 5] [Hit-AC: 8 vs. 7 ] [AC: 8 ] [MISS]
BOB Skeletons are immune to love
Carissa (Vee Barlett): they only want to bone
Carissa (Vee Barlett): i'll see myself out
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): lol

Inv Zora Polasis: [DAMAGE (M)] Punch Result:1 [TYPE: bludgeoning (1d0=1)] [d0 = 1]
[1] -> [to Swashbuckler Skeletons 8] [DAMAGE EXCEEDS HIT POINTS] [STATUS: Dying (0)]
Carissa (Vee Barlett): lmao
Carissa (Vee Barlett): from dagger mage to punching thief
BOB Yes you killed it with a punch
wyjyoon (Temperance): whew zora got a fierce punch
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): yee haw
wyjyoon (Temperance): that's a story to tell
Carissa (Vee Barlett): lol
wyjyoon (Temperance): "i killed a skeleton with one fist"

Session 20240823c - 20240823s

• Hello folks! Open up your confetti poppers, it’s Happy 1500th! Which means new dice? Thanks Bob! Wendy has since bought another set because ¿por qué no los dos?
• Anyways, welcome back to another episode of Conspiracy Theories and Chasing Ghosts We Probably Shouldn’t!
• For the Quick Skimmers:
  • What kind of pirate doesn’t have a spyglass? We’re not pirates though… are we?
  • There’s another cave on Jilanth! We encounter some:
    • crocodiles over a rickety bridge.
    • piranhas that are swimming around a ribcage of a skeleton with a ring encased inside.
    • four different doors.
  • Two of said doors are weird traps (rat-sized fleas, an illusion of a lady that triggers an ice wall), one of them has glacier written on it, and the last one has some weird treasure map and some daggers? I think?
  • Rothuss spends some of the time ushering everyone in front of him like a mother duck. We be slowpokes sometimes.
• Good morning! We’re all heading to regroup on Jean the Fishing Boat. Vee and Orange are there first, so she gives him a smooch and a threat all in one. Just for the heck of it. Tempe and Zora joins them shortly after, neither none the wiser and eyeballs blissfully saved.
• While Levi and Melange both continue to sleep below deck, Mayor’s Manor group and Tavern group exchange info. Nothing much happened other than some theories and talks about pirate invasions.
• Vee takes the wheel, and off we go! The conversation steers into discussion about presentation, luck, and talismans.
• Oh hey, it’s Jilanth! But oof, that landing spot’s a little iffy, let’s go around. We follow “an inlet on the northwest side”, which is basically a channel of water that gets more narrow the closer we get to land.
• Because of that, we can’t take Jean with us totally to shore. The skiff only takes four people total, so it takes two trips.
  • Group 1: Vee, Tempe, Zora ( + Orange rowing )
  • Group 2: Rothuss, Lirt ( + Orange rowing )
• Zora accidentally-on-purpose trips into Orange and mooches his dagger + some coins. He now has seashells in his pocket.
• Group 1 lands at the cave entrance. There’s this weird rickety footbridge over a pool of water. While Vee is smelling the sand, the other two conclude that it doesn’t look safe. Zora goes over to check it out.
• While Orange goes over to get the other two, Zora comes back to tell us how unsafe this bridge is. No traps, but not for your regular Joe Schmoe to be crossing willy-nilly. Vee suggests rope so that everyone has a less chance of falling, so she ties one end around her waist and prepares to run to the other side.
• Group 2 makes it and takes in the surroundings while Vee makes a dash for the other side. She’s got her sea legs in full gear, so she’s predictably fine.
• Crocodile 2 pops out from under the water like that grumpy old troll from Dora the Explorer, demanding we pay a toll. He’s 20% disturbed from Vee running and 80% hungry. Which means he’s 100% hangry, and more likely that someone’s going to lose a limb.
• So… leave it all to your Dex roll?
  • Zora makes it no problem, but Tempe loses her footing and splashes into the water.
  • Lucky for her, the splash creates some diversion and the crocodile misses getting a bite.
  • She takes Vee’s advice and attempts to climb on top of the crocodile, but slips and falls off.
  • Orange jumps into the water with some gusto and slashes at the crocodile. It draws some blood, which wins some brownie points from Vee. Now he’s Blood Orange, which I guess is better than Spoiled Rich Boy Orange.
  • Levi has some doubts about jumping into the water with a croc. Which, fair. With a bit of Vee’s encouragement, he jumps in and gives the croc a solid taste of his machete.
  • Rothuss joins in on the fun by tumbling over the ledge of the bridge, landing on the crocodile, and stabbing it.
  • There’s too many people for Lirt to risk doing anything missile, so she keeps her eye on any approaching threats. Like another possible crocodile, for instance. Did I mention that this was labeled “Crocodile 2”?
  • In this whole shebang of splashing around and blood spatter, Tempe reaches over to cast Cause Light Wounds.
  • And Rothuss finishes it off. Way to go, Lucky Charms Dice!
• Tempe’s all dazed and confused from all that going on, and everyone who jumped in climbs out of the water. Rothuss is interested in slicing out some luck, but cuts it up all wonky so it just looks like a sliced carcass floating in the water.
• There’s a fork in the road as we travel along. We look for Levi and his caveman instincts, but he’s… indisposed. Vee takes us towards the right because nobody had any strong feelings one way or another. “She’s always got to be right. .. literally.” as Rothuss puts it.
• So up the slope we go! Zora checks all the different alcoves for any potential pathways as we go along. Rothuss ushers people along (1).
• Oh hey, there’s a long hallway! Except it’s dark and dank with enough stank for Vee to think twice. There’s three doors, which turn out to be three prison cells that hadn’t been cleaned in 84 years.
• Zora tries to pick the padlock on Door 3… on the downlow? Are we supposed to know she’s got thief skills? Does she want us to know? Anyway, lock opens, and she’s immediately hit with a rotting stench and 3 giant fleas.
• How We Opened a Can of Fleas.
  • One latches on successfully to Zora like a child latching onto a juicebox in 100+ degree summer.
  • Tempe’s like “I’ve been waiting for this moment!” and casts Anti-Vermin Barrier. It locks the other two fleas back inside the cell.
  • Lirtimya and Rothuss keep a close eye behind them to make sure they don’t get swarmed by other weird cave things.
  • Orange reaches for his dagger, which is now not there because Zora swiped it earlier that day. But man got a spare on his boot and stabs at the flea. Blood Orange strikes again.
  • Vee takes her trident to try and swipe it off. Except it’s pretty close range, so it works about as well as using a fork to stab a single bean.
  • Lirt and Rothuss continue to watch our backs in case this cave pulls some weird jack-in-the-box gimmick and swarms us with more cave things.
  • Zora uses her dagger to take a stab. Her current state as a juicebox to this rat-sized flea throws off her aim.
  • Blood Orange strikes again (2)...? Nope. Not this time.
  • So now it’s a battle between bean and fork. But hey, fork wins! Vee stabs the thing with her trident and yanks it off.
• Whew! That was an adventure. Zora and Vee move down to door 2. It’s got “Glacier” written on the wall.
• They move down to Door 1. There’s this lady all bruised inside. She looks very dead at first, but Zora sees her breathing. So maybe not dead?
• Tempe gets summoned to check out the situation. She doesn’t see much wrong with trying to help, but as soon as she steps inside, the door locks and a Wall of Ice forms.
• Tempe does her Tempe thing by… keeping her head screwed on and observing her surroundings. Fight or Flight instincts where? Very dead or nonexistent, apparently. Anyhow, she realizes that this maybe-not-dead lady is neither alive nor dead. In fact, she’s just some smoky ghostly image to trick people who come down this hall.
• Vee and Levi are like “that doesn’t look bonita”. They ask Lirt for her opinion, who tells them to use a torch to melt the ice. Zora unlocks the door, and Tempe steps out in one piece to let them know that the maybe-not-dead lady was an illusion.
• Vee asks about whether there were any missing people on Red Hook. No dice. Maybe slavery is involved? But we’re not gonna deep-dive into that right now.
• Rothuss ushers people in front of him (2) as Levi leads everyone south. Because it’s mouthy. There are no tracks, but there is this weird pool filled with fish and a skeleton ribcage with a very noticeable silver ring.
• Magic people get summoned. Tempe goes to see what’s up, and Zora approaches to check for traps.
• The fish in the pool are piranhas. Which means… Vee gets to talk to them again. Like most fish, they’re in “Mother I require sustenance” mode.
• Vee sends Rothuss and Levi to go get the crocodile carcass. When they return, she tasks them with feeding the fish while she and Orange try to nab at the ribcage ring. Tempe continues to hold the torch for light.
• Ribcage ring acquired! Lirt takes a quick look, but isn’t sure what magic it is. Rothuss looks at it, but it isn’t something he recognizes. So Vee puts it on, and voila! Nothing happens. She hopes it’s a water breathing ring, or a ring that helps her join the mermaid squad.
• This time, we head north! Because it’s worthy. Rothuss ushers people (3). Levi sees a door and thinks about how they open and close. Zora goes to check for traps. She opens it and finds a room with old hammocks and a table set for dinner. A dinner of dust bunnies, anyone?
• Zora spots a piece of parchment! It’s a map! Which cues Lirt the Navigation Expert to take a look at it. Both of them figure out that it’s a treasure map leading to the west coast of Borinquen. It says something is located under the water, but the markings are a bit off. Why? There’s also some writing on it in some other language.
• Hold your horses. Why is this kind of map sitting out just willy-nilly anyway? There’s a ribcage ring, an illusion of a lady. Lots of magic, with a treasure map sitting out for grabs. Something smells funky… and it’s not the cave rot and stank.
• Yeah, this one’s starting to feel more and more like some whodunnit novel, with undead and missing people and magic. Which will be left for us to figure out next session.

Quotes of the Night

BOB There is an undead one coming soon too
Lisa: not sure I want zombie dice
Carissa (Vee Barlett): well not planning to BE undead....

Inv Zora Polasis: I wish we had a spyglass
Rothuss Carder: What kind of pirates are you with no spyglass?
Vee Barlett: Yar. Be much easier. That and a compass if'n those were easier to get. I ain't feelin' as pir....sailor-like without them.
Inv Zora Polasis: I'm not a pirate
Rothuss Carder: Oh.. right. Say “Yar” for me real quick, would you?
Vee Barlett: What wrong with yar?
Inv Zora Polasis: Yar?
Rothuss Carder: shakes his head.
Temperance: watches the exchange with mild amusement.
Rothuss Carder: You're right, you're no pirate.
Inv Zora Polasis: Thank you
Vee Barlett: snorts

Lemon (Levi Reed): Did anyone take blood????
Lemon (Levi Reed): because yikes
TMO (Rothuss Carder): Vee, of course
Carissa (Vee Barlett): I tested it by stabbing Rothuss
Carissa (Vee Barlett): wanna see?
TMO (Rothuss Carder): also, of course

Vee Barlett: So then what's yer “presentation” Rothuss?
Vee Barlett: Just feels like stereotypin'....
Ruffus DeOrange: Rothuss likes to shake his tail feather

Inv Zora Polasis: climbs into the rowboat and trips over Ruffus in the process
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): oh it rolled twice - probably missed the secret one and landed in Ruffus' crotch

Vee Barlett: grabs some sands and gives it a sniff

Vee Barlett: I think she dead
Inv Zora Polasis: Look! She seems to be breathing
Vee Barlett: Hmm, maybe.
Vee Barlett: Tempe, we got a maybe not dead person here.

Temperance: Ah, there she goes, talking to the piranhas.
Levi Reed: Wait, wait, don't tell me. They're hungry
Temperance: muffles a soft laugh.
Levi Reed: Everything you ever talk to is just hungry
Rothuss Carder: Not like they have the brains for anything else.
Levi Reed: Don't talk about Vee like that Rothuss
Rothuss Carder: flashes a grin at Levi.

Levi Reed: Rothuss always thinks he knows things about magic

Vee Barlett: puts the ring on her own hand.
Vee Barlett: But I got it.
Nothing happens
Vee Barlett: Well my hand looks prettier.
Inv Zora Polasis: Now we set you on fire and see if it is a fire protection ring

Session 20240816c - 20240816s

• Hello folks! Welcome back to another episode of Conspiracy Theories and Chasing Ghosts We Probably Shouldn’t! And yes, we’re still doing this for The CHURCH, but whatever.
• Also there are a LOT of quotes tonight. You have been warned.
• The Quick Skim of the Evening:
  • Everyone meets back on Jean the Fishing Boat. Hopefully Orange Boy has all our supplies. Next Stop, Red Hook!
  • There are some people at the docks who have seen those weird green footprints. We try our best to understand the one person who actually wants to be helpful.
  • Apparently Jilanth and Siren’s call is pretty shady. We hunker down and do semi-watches as we wait ‘till morning.
• We buy all our supplies, make sure Jean is still there, and off we go! To Red Hook to make sure nothing goes unnoticed.
• Vee takes the wheel, Orange tells his story about how he saves the Duke’s son from the mermaids, Melange and the rest are either wave-watching or trying to ignore the fact that Orange is tagging along. Overall, heavy sarcasm abounds.
• Hey, look, it’s the docks! Csharynn Fflannidan, who has way too many consonants in her name, is working there. She’s willing to answer questions, but Zora’s the only one who can catch what she’s actually saying.
• Just as Vee and Zora are knee-deep in conversation, Driekol Onebrow steps in to figure out what they’re doing. He seems acquainted with Orange, but is more hush-hush about the whole green footprints situation than Csharynn. He’s hoping it’s some wild prank that’ll blow over.
• Tempe’s Notes Part 1:
  • Green footprints appeared 2 weeks ago.
  • They only appear when the moon is low, which most likely means when there’s very little light from the moon.
  • They are always near the dock or on the edge of down, behind the tavern on the other side of the square.
  • They were last seen approximately 3 days ago, around the time the Admiral and the Duke’s son disappeared.
• Rothuss wants to see one of the spots that the prints were spotted So we head towards this path with trees, and there’s some burnt leaves.
• Tempe’s Notes Part 2 (with Vee’s successful Observation):
  • The leaves were burnt with just regular flame.
  • Footsteps / tracks are pretty far apart, not normal stride length.
  • Some are “large humanoid” size, while others are just regular man-sized.
    • What does “large humanoid” mean? Ogres or trolls?
• So, after looking at all that, we’re heading back to the boat. But wait! We don’t have churchy people’s boat anymore, and Levi’s fishing boat is much slower than Vee would like. We must either:
  • Go now and risk sailing in the dark.
  • Wait ‘till morning to sail safely to shady downtow— I mean, Jilanth and Siren’s Call.
• After realizing that we have places to sleep and Orange’s money to fund enough drinks for everybody and their moms, we decide to stay the night. Vee and Lirt put the boat in park, Zora goes off to chit chat with the locals.
• Tempe’s Notes Part 3 (based on Zora’s findings):
  • Some think it’s just some prank.
  • But others think it’s an announcement to a pirate raid.
• Oh hello, it’s raining! Everyone scrambles to find spots to spend the night.
  • Boat: Levi and Melange
  • Inn / Tavern: Zora, Lirt, Tempe up in a room watching out the window, Rothuss down at the tavern performing.
  • The Mayor’s Mansion: Orange and Vee
• Levi and Melange stay on the boat, watching the rain. They chit-chat about ghosts, criminals and corruption, the strength of their moral compass, premature wrinkles, Mel’s kite-flying hobby, asexuality and librarians.
• Zora, Lirt, and Tempe usher themselves into a room in the inn. And what do you get when you put an investigator, a priestess, and a mage in the same pot? A recipe for conspiracy theories, apparently. They discuss in length about sirens, pirate alliances, the green footprints, the Admiral and the Duke’s son, mages and priests, and the malevolently-aligned. Yeah, it’s all work-related.
• Tempe’s Notes Part 4 (based on the discussion):
  • The Admiral’s disappearance means no one’s hunting down pirates. Which means pirates could get revenge via some sort of pirate alliance?
  • The glowy footprints could be done by a priest or a mage.
    • Mages have what they call “Fireflow” for them to control non-magic flame.
    • Priests could cast “Faerie Fire”, which outlines the targeted subject or object in green flames. It’s supposed to burn the thing it targets.
  • Some priests serve malevolently-aligned deities. Could be related to that sacrificial ceremonial stone altar thing from our earlier adventure?
• Meanwhile, Orange and Vee run through the rain to the Mayor’s manor. The Mayor Britta Schiebler greets them at the door. Vee, who is now Violet, talks to the Mayor about magical storms, whether trusting Orange is a good idea (it’s not, obviously), Orange’s father, privateers, and pirate raids. Just as they get into pirate raids and Trask, Mayor tells them to go to bed.
• Rothuss is down at the tavern, entertaining the locals trying to get out of the rain. He learns that…
  • The boats here mostly are fishing the waters north of Mizzen
  • The larger sailing ships that bring trade from Seagate, south to Borinquen, and south seem to have been fuller and more frequent.
  • The rougher western shores of the big island are not seeing the trade
  • The Duke of Sirens Call seems to be building up more ships
  • Potentially more pirates, but the Duke normally does not raid ships, he protects them.
  • There is a local mischief maker by the name of Per Hauger, who has made effigies (aka sculptures or models) of people that he lit on fire. Dang, apparently arson is the overarching theme around here.
• And everyone sleeps to prepare for the creepy stuff waiting at Siren’s Call and Jilanth the following morning.

Quotes of the Night

Ruffus DeOrange: You look a little delicate to use a warhammer
Vee Barlett: She ain't ask for your opinion, now did she?
Temperance: I wouldn't mind having a supposedly oh so strong man carry all my things.
Temperance: My delicate muscles could never.
Temperance: rolls her eyes sarcastically.
Vee Barlett: snorts
Ruffus DeOrange: I suppose if you do not have any friends who can handle it
Vee Barlett: If ya drop yer ego, you'll be able to carry it all.
Ruffus DeOrange: I find it sad she has no friends
Temperance: I find it sad no one believes you're not dead.

Vee Barlett: I ain't seen our bard do that.
Rothuss Carder: I'm full of hidden mysteries.
Vee Barlett: Yer full of shit, Rothuss.
Rothuss Carder: That could be a hidden mystery
Vee Barlett: Please keep it hidden then.

MeLange: realizes he may suddenly have an obligation, and winces

Carissa (Vee Barlett): maybe I'm also too sober
Shislif (MeLange): I'm sorry that's terrible :)

Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): I want unibrow to answer my other question

BOB 6th day of the 5th month on that calendar
BOB so you can see when the moons are waning and waxing
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): easier for me to understand the woman than the calendar

Csharynn Fflannidan: Otrs
Inv Zora Polasis: The ones who see this Firebeard are frightened to death?
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): or the otters ...
BOB grins the Ghost Otters
Carissa (Vee Barlett): stupid otters
wyjyoon (Temperance): lol not the otters again

Inv Zora Polasis: I thought sirens stole men and not ships
Vee Barlett: The Duke takes them ships.
Vee Barlett: So we gotta be careful of both.
MeLange: Yup, be careful with us ladies
Vee Barlett: laughs

Ruffus DeOrange: As long as we can prove I am not dead
Inv Zora Polasis: sighs
Inv Zora Polasis: Not everything is about you
Shislif (MeLange): Yea you tell em Zora

Vee Barlett: isn't sure what safely burning things is but doesn't comment
Lemon (Levi Reed): Lol, tempe is going to have a metal drum, out in the middle of a sanded beach, with no plants or anything flammable within a mile, and she's going to stand far away and watch through a spyglass while someone qualified lights a fire and runs away
wyjyoon (Temperance): lol
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): lol
wyjyoon (Temperance): firewatching
Carissa (Vee Barlett): don't forget the big bucket of water!

Carissa (Vee Barlett): ughhh why is our boat so slowwwwwwwwww
Lemon (Levi Reed): It's a fishing boat! Quit shaming my boat!

Carissa (Vee Barlett): AWAITS TMO MATH CORRECTIONS

Vee Barlett: Maybe we can catch our culprint tonight.
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): culprints' footprints

Lemon (Levi Reed): Hehehe... I hope someone tells Vee that she no longer qualifies as a "boat person"

MeLange: Well sounds like our moral compass is well calibrated
Levi Reed: Maybe the most calibrated there ever was

Levi Reed: Oh, you know. Had to let that go. Can't hold on to stuff like that, it makes you bitter and gives you premature wrinkles
MeLange: hmm yea neither of those are very good
Levi Reed: I want to earn my wrinkles by getting old, not by being worried all the time
Levi Reed: Tempe can have those wrinkles
MeLange: I like that
wyjyoon (Temperance): lol thanks
BOB laughs

MeLange: Besides, I think you have to be asexual to be a librarian right?
Carissa (Vee Barlett): LOL
Shislif (MeLange): :)
Lemon (Levi Reed): lol... I... that's not NOT accurate
Levi Reed: Wouldn't know anything about that
JtomTMO (Lirtimya): No wonder Lirt likes books so much
Levi Reed: I'm a stud
Lemon (Levi Reed): (Isn't a stud)

BOB but Temp and Lirt have ideas for Zora?
BOB or questions
Carissa (Vee Barlett): or gossip?
Carissa (Vee Barlett): burn book stuff?
Carissa (Vee Barlett): pink to wear tomorrow?
wyjyoon (Temperance): yes, gossip from the three most least likely to gossip about anyone except work

Temperance: wrinkles her brows together, most likely gathering more premature wrinkles.

BOB He has made effigies of people that he lit on fire
TMO (Rothuss Carder): that's an interesting hobby
wyjyoon (Temperance): i thought kite-flying was pretty unique, but i guess arson is a lot more
Lemon (Levi Reed): Hey, at least he didn't mix up some sheep
TMO (Rothuss Carder): apparently voodoo dolls aren't a thing here, which is good
BOB Suddenly Levi feels a stabbing pain in his back
Lemon (Levi Reed): lol

Session 20240809c - 20240809s

• Oh hi, it’s another week of Doing Things For The CHURCH!
• The Quick Skim of the Evening
  • Third Watch with Lirt, Tempe, Levi and some evidently Undead Giant Crocodiles.
  • Hello, it’s the Church of Mizzen! Or as Levi puts it, “The Best Church Ever” that deserves more than a silver.
  • Enter stage left Ruffus de Orange, our temporary walking bank account who wants his name cleared.
  • Oh hi, it’s the Duke of Mizzen and his wife, who have Important Meetings to attend with other VIPs of status.
  • We have a 2 day deadline to get this Dead Pirate Business figured out.
  • We try to get some information from Priest Jereth of the Fourth Circle, Master of the Winds.
  • No Annoying Oranges were harmed in the making of this episode. Yet.
• Watch 3: Crocodiles swim in the Ocean too, apparently.
  • Rothuss comes down to wake 3rd Watch and show off his new face tattoos.
  • The 3 of them try to decide if they should sail or not.
    • Levi: Vee will murder us, so YES.
  • Tempe pulls up the anchor to sail, and then ends up doing a coin flip. Coin says NOPE. Which is fine, because there’s no wind.
  • They take another look around and Tempe spots something climbing above board. She’s like “that’s a crocodile, hi” and backs the heck up.
• Crocodiles: Round 1
  • Levi’s like “my machetes want to say hi instead” and swings at Croc 2. Machetes say no.
  • Tempe takes out her shortbow and fires at Croc 2. Shortbow says no.
  • Lirt takes some time to figure out what she should do.
  • Croc 2 swings his tail at Levi. It misses.
• Crocodiles: Round 2
  • Levi tries to wake his machetes up. He swings at Croc 2 again, but machetes refuse.
  • Tempe attempts her shortbow again. Shortbow says no. She yells to wake the people down below.
  • Lirt rushes down the latch to wake more people who can fight with Levi.
    • Levi wants everyone to know that he didn’t agree to that so that he can save some skin when Vee’s in Rage Mode.
    • Tempe halfheartedly consents to taking the blame, but she’s mostly focused on spells.
  • Good News: everyone’s awake, which means backup! Bad News: Croc 1 has moved itself over the latch, so now nobody else can get out to help.
  • Croc 2 gets a hit on Levi while he tries to think about crocodiles.
  • Tempe tries to use a brain cell too, and OH! She notices the crocodiles are moving very slowly. Apparently that indicates they might be Undead. After a round of Ghost Monkey on that previous adventure, maybe we really do need a seance. Or a Ouija board.
• Crocodiles: Round 3
  • Meanwhile, Rothuss is at the very front of the people below Croc 1. He uses his sabre to stab at it to get it to move over. Sabre says no.
  • Zora’s like “move over buster” and takes a stab at it with her rapier. Rapier says no. She contemplates using force to push on the hatch to move the crocodile over.
  • Levi’s machete finally wakes up. He swings at Croc 1 and wounds it lightly.
  • Tempe uses Turn Undead, which apparently summons the powers of her deity. Wendy will re-read all the details, but it gets them off the boat so yay?
• Everyone’s like “where the heck did the crocs go?” and then discuss Tempe’s use of Turn Undead.
  • Hey google, does garlic work on zombies or is it exclusive to only vampires?
• Tempe and Lirt apologize for the wake up call, and everyone goes back down to sleep some more.
• Hi all, it’s morning!
  • Vee wakes up and tries to sniff for land. Morning allergies hit her instead. Is it really dust or is she just allergic to land? Vote now on your phones!
  • Rothuss starts talking about undead crocodile guts. Which reminds the OG crew about the undead goblins and chupacabras.
• Hey look, we’re here in Mizzen! Levi’s psyched about the Church for once, Vee’s name is now Violet, and nobody disagrees on visiting. Mostly because everyone wants a bath.
• Marianne Proske welcomes us all. She seems less uppity and vague.
• Everyone leaves Zora and Tempe to deal with the churchy stuff.
  • How’s the Duke? He’s nice. Watch out for his son though.
  • What about the Admiral? He’s always busy and doesn’t come by often because he’s got his own crew and priest.
  • For more details, ask for Priest Jereth of the Fourth Circle, Master of the Winds.
• We’re all nice and dandy to visit the Duke. Levi misses Rothuss’ face tattoos.
• Some new guy pops out of nowhere and starts chatting Vee up. She curses immediately, which is code for Bad News.
• He is, in fact, Bad News. Apparently he’s Ruffus “I Am My Own Person” de Orange. His name alone gives everyone except Rothuss an ick. Rothuss just found a new source to poke Vee with. This is totally a Spoiled Rich Brat in Distress and the Shanking Sailor’s rematch.
• Anyway, he wants help with letting everyone in the world know that he’s not the Dead Pirate Firebeard.
  • His proposition is: he helps with the Duke, and in turn we help him clear his name. Vee demands another payment towards her, which… fair. The two have some personal history.
• Zora asks how he knew we’d all be here. Orange says he persuaded the Duke to ask for us so he could get the help.
• So Vee and Orange talk business. They’re good at that. Zora doesn’t want to talk business. In fact, she doesn’t want Orange in our business at all. Which— fair.
• Orange asks about the key that should’ve been sent. Which we have, but Vee pretends she doesn’t know because nobody trusts him.
• So… vote for Orange Boy to join?
  • Vee: Sure, he’s a spoiled RICH brat.
  • Zora: NO NO he’s a SPOILED rich BRAT.
• So Orange Boy tags along. Business is Business regardless of personal vendettas. But if he doesn’t keep his end of the deal, Zora gets first dibs on the shanking, recorded by Tempe.
• So they all walk to the Duke’s mansion or palace or whatever fancy abode. Osip Shukov is guarding the door and seems to know Orange. Not in the good way, which isn’t surprising.
• Duke and his wife Constance Bluebleeder greets us at the door. Duke’s wife doesn’t seem happy to see Orange. Again, not surprising.
• Vee gives Tempe the cue to take out the key thingy. Tempe hands over the box for Duke to look at. Levi mentions that Orange Boy can step the heck out of this part of our business if Duke so wants.
• As the Duke takes the key apart into five different pieces and pulls out a paper, everyone’s looking to make sure they have the details. Duke pulls out a paper that’s supposed to burn if it got sold or something.
• Anyways, Duke thinks it’s a magician or something pretending to be Firebeard. Because Real Firebeard’s dead, and pirates don’t come back from the dead. Unless it’s an Undead one, but whatever. Green footprints have been found somewhere in Red Hook, which is a pretty risky place, apparently. Duke describes the full thing, Tempe records.
• Apparently Admiral and his crew patrolled the Isle of Jilanth to make sure nothing shady was happening there, and that was where he was last seen.
• Duke wants this to be solved with superspeed because he’s got a meeting with other islands to decide what to do in 2 days time.
• We’re all dismissed, Vee grills Orange on his fighting skills, and Tempe gets so fed up with said Orange she forgets to filter herself. Vee sends off Orange to get supplies, and off we go to see Priest Jereth of the Fourth Circle.
• We find said Priest in a wheelchair, sitting in the garden and staring at the flowers. Tempe approaches him to see if he’ll verbally respond, but gets a random mix of words.
• Vee does a good job playing 20000 questions. Tempe doesn’t want to cast spells on him without his consent. Zora throws out questions and words relating to the case. Apparently, there’s lots of risky stuff in Jilanth. We’re not sure what exactly, but we can guess that there could be dragons and magic. Which lines up with the spellcaster conjecture from the Duke earlier.
• And yeah, that’s where we end because stuff is getting weirder and weirder. But there is a list of stuff we should have Orange Boy get for us with his family money.
• Some Required Supplies:
  • Arrows for Levi.
  • A map of Jilanth and Red Hook.
  • (more to be added upon discussion)
• List of Materials for Spellcasting:

(organized to prioritize what is easiest to obtain. some are weirdly specific / could be costly so up for discussion on what could be useful for the session)

• Garlic for “Slow Poison” spell.
• some incense or a vial of Unholy Water.
• Some phony gems for “Zone of Truth” spell.
• a small silver mirror for “Sanctuary” spell.
• A strip of Blessed Vellum for “Detect Poison” spell.
• A warhammer for “Spiritual Hammer” spell.

Quotes of the Night

JtomTMO: Hello all
Carissa: hi mini!
wyjyoon: hey JTom!
TMO: hi son! *slaps head*
JtomTMO: He actually slapped me, rude, rude old man
BOB HAH

Levi Reed: Why does my head need to be slapped?
Lemon (Levi Reed): ooc
Lemon (Levi Reed): But kinda works lol

→ Temperance: Wait a minute.... those are large, moving very slowly, and they are.... undead... they are ZOMBIE Crocodiles
wyjyoon (Temperance): OH heck no
Carissa (Vee Barlett): werecroc?
Carissa (Vee Barlett): but also don't wear croc(s)
Carissa (Vee Barlett): they still don't look good

Temperance: Chupacabras can turn things into undead? Interesting.
Vee Barlett: The chupacabra has a suspiciously manly boot print.
Levi Reed: It probably ate whatever made the boot print
Rothuss Carder: Maybe it goes to the Chupa Cobbler's?

Vee Barlett: If we help ya, because it aligns with what we already doin' then you behave or I'm gonna shank ya, got it?
Ruffus DeOrange: Thinks
Temperance: I would encourage you to think faster.

Ruffus DeOrange: I told him that he needed to prove it was an official request so he should send his Ducal Key
Vee Barlett: Why he listen to you?
Ruffus DeOrange: Because I brought his son back from the permaids
Ruffus DeOrange: Mermaids
Vee Barlett: tries to keep her obsession from latching on to that
wyjyoon (Temperance): The permaids - mermaids with a nice perm
Carissa (Vee Barlett): lmao
Carissa (Vee Barlett): but you can't get it wet!
Lisa (Inv Zora Polasis): lol
BOB LOL
wyjyoon (Temperance): They use sorcery to keep it curled : P
Carissa (Vee Barlett): or a good lawyer

BOB any last minute adjustments with this new twist before your meeting with the Duke
wyjyoon (Temperance): Vee sharpening her knife?
Carissa (Vee Barlett): lure him down a side alley, stab him, leave him for dead then visit the duke?
wyjyoon (Temperance): lol
TMO (Rothuss Carder): plot payback?
Carissa (Vee Barlett): lol
JtomTMO (Lirtimya): I agree lol
BOB Here is your Dead Dread Pirate, story arc over

TMO (Rothuss Carder): a noble named Bluebleeder??/ REALLY?
BOB grins, thank you TMO

Session 20240802c - 20240802s

• Welcome back to another episode of Doing Things for The CHURCH! Congrats Carissa on becoming a homeowner!!
• Quick Skim:
  • Zora keeps having to repeat her story as she gets acquainted with everyone via watches.
  • That horn apparently has lasting effects.
  • Vee imagines what her signature would be like as someone who is DEFINITELY not a pirate. Her words.
  • Melange uses animal lore and we all get a big wall of text that we don’t read in real time.
  • Punching runs in the Barlett business.
  • Rothuss gets punched by water, sleeps like a log, and gets some semi-permanent face tattoos.
• WATCH 3: The Jester and Two Unconventional Churchy Folk.
  • Vee’s like “Heeyy you know what’s better than one churchy folk? Two churchy folk.” She tells the two to play nice, kicks Rothuss awake on the way down, and then goes to sleep.
  • They both do their best to make conversation about all the churchy details and stuff while Rothuss tries to figure out what he’s doing there. For once Wendy agrees with Rothuss saying that empty scenery gets boring real quick.
• Rothuss does some acrobatics while he waits.
  • Oh hey look where the time’s gone! Tempe gets up to go wake the others, Zora’s like “nah this horn is probably more efficient.” and SHOCKS the living daylights out of everyone sleeping.
• Rise and Shine, everyone! And to no one’s surprise, Vee’s grumpy because of the rude awakening. Look at her sideways and we might all end up ghosts.
• That’s the least of our problems though. The horn really did a number on the sleeping folk. We have Vee sniff out where land is. Maybe we should attack with the horn next time, see if it bamboozles any hostile sea creatures.
• Vee and Tempe fall into conversation about this Dread Pirate guy. Where does he get the glowing footprints from anyway? They diverge into a discussion about Vee’s signature if she ever decides to become a pirate.
• Lirt fishes and cooks all in one fell swoop. Thanks to her, no one has to go hungry. She and Vee try to navigate but the smell of cooked fish is too irresistible.
• Whoa what’s that shadow? A big flying creature called a Roc.
  • Everyone scrambles to review their skillsets because uh, NO ONE is ready for this right now.
  • We decide to make ourselves look as unappetizing to this creature as possible. They move all provisions to lower deck.
  • Levi, Rothuss, and Lirt hunker down below while Vee, Mel, and Zora stay. Tempe casts Bless to help with sailing under the radar.
  • YAY Roc flies off somewhere for better food.
• Everyone breathes a sigh of relief that’s like... 2 seconds too early, because uh Tempe and Lirt spot a moving water spot. Weird stuff.
  • Tempe gets a bad feeling about this water spot. Vee tells her to chill out and tries to move around it.
  • Said water spot goes HAH you thought and punches Rothuss square in the face.
  • Tempe casts Chant on everyone to try to give them some boost because punching water? Not normal.
  • Rothuss attempts retribution via sabre. He misses.
  • Lirt fires a round of Acid Arrows and HECK YEAH it’s a crit! But it resists because water can’t be pierced. BOO.
  • Melange swings his Battle Axe and NICE it’s a crit! Thing is, it resists because water can’t be pierced (2). BOO (2).
  • Vee’s still trying to shake it off. Why won’t the sea just stay in the sea, gosh darn it?
  • Zora watches this water thing resist all the piercing and slicing, puts away her rapier, and punches it square in the face like it did to Rothuss. APPARENTLY it’s not meant to take punching damage either. Okay then.
  • Water thing decides struggling with this small boat isn’t worth its time.
• Reminder that we just had 3 Crit rolls that could’ve had impact if it weren’t for the water elemental with its stupid amount of resistance to damage. That was some nice luck!
• Vee and Lirt finally shake off the effects of horn and get their navigation senses back in order. They find that there’ll be some slight delay in their voyage, which everyone is pretty cool with.
• Lirt identifies weird water thing as a Water Elemental. Which is cool and all, but no one else besides her knows much about it.
• Tempe casts Cure Light on Rothuss, Melange, and Vee before heading off to sleep. The latter two of the three get restored to full health; evidently the dice are quite generous tonight.
• WATCH 1: Weapons are the Rage these Days
  • The three recount some of the events of the day, with what the giant Roc and the weird Elemental.
  • They divert into talking about range weapons, which gets them telling stories about why they have the weapons that they have.
  • More details about this on Story Chat, but tl;dr:
    • Zora gets her rapier from the Church because they asked her to pick.
    • Melange was a lumberjack. He now uses the skills of chopping wood to chop the bones of his enemies.
    • Vee’s like “I was always stab-happy and my fathers were proud of it”.
• WATCH 2: Is Permanent Marker an Invention? It is now.
  • Vee requests Zora to stay up with Mel while she goes to wake Rothuss. Spoiler, he takes his sweet time to return to the land of consciousness, so she adds one semi-permanent face doodle for each minute he doesn’t wake up.
  • Rothuss walks up, none the wiser. Zora and Mel are content and entertained by the abstract artwork on his face.
  • They talk about Melange’s history with libraries and animal knowledge while Rothuss tries to figure out why nobody’s making direct eye contact with him.
  • They sprinkle clues until he kinda pieces together what happened.
• Next week on Doing Things for the CHURCH! : 3rd Watch and meeting the Duke of Mizzen to figure out just what we’re all in for.

Quotes of the Night
BOB So the Birthday Game 2025 will be hosted by.....
BOB depending on what her Internet speed is
Carissa: wait what? lemon? awesome, look forward to it lemon!
BOB grins

Lisa: how do you peep a leaf?
BOB You make your move silently roll
Carissa: Carefully. With one eye squinty and the other wide open. I guess.

Lisa: whines, but Zora wants to sleeeeeeeeeeep
Carissa (Vee Barlett): lol
BOB Then you should have been a spell caster :P
Lisa: LOL
wyjyoon (Temperance): sleep - a privilege for spellcasters

Lemon: I'm sure someone as invisible as Zora didn't know EVERYONE in the Cathedral

Rothuss Carder: Yo ho ho and a Dead Pirate's Chest Hair!
Vee Barlett: Even a dead one got more chair hair than you, I bet.
Vee Barlett: I just to know how to get glowin' footprints.
Rothuss Carder: Am I supposed to be offended that I don't have a fur coat like a goat? 'Cuz you're yapping at the wrong guy for that.
Temperance: Perhaps through some sort of magic?
Temperance: The glowing footprints I mean. Not the chest hair.
Vee Barlett: Glowin chest hair sounds.... concernin

Inv Zora Polasis: Stuffy! Humph! Stuffy people punch water elementals? I think not
Vee Barlett: barks a laugh
Vee Barlett: Man I pressed yer button with that comment! Good. Makes ya want more to prove me wrong.

Rothuss Carder: saunters over to the water bucket and starts washing up.
MeLange: don't you saunter
Rothuss Carder: saunters even harder

Session 20240726c - 20240726s

• Hello folks, welcome back to another episode of Doing Things for The Church! Or is it THE CHURCH? Wendy finally beats procrastination, yay!
• Summary Abridged:
  • Lemon logs in before Carissa.
  • Zora and Rothuss get a look at this expensive-looking box and key, which could potentially be keys to the gates to the afterworld.
  • Tempe nerds out over the Dead Dread Pirate.
  • Some snake-sweeping and shark-feeding is involved.
  • Levi and Melange communicate their thoughts and emotions. About each other, amongst other things.
  • Lirt just wants it to be quiet for once.
  • Vee is still: shank-happy, stewing over the ones who’ve gotten on her nerves, and wanting to be where the mermaids are.
• The evening starts off with deciding watch order. Tempe and Lirt are exempt to recharge their spell slots. 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep? Sounds like the kind of sleep all players could use too.
• Vee and Levi are in for first watch, Zora and Rothuss are in for second watch.
• First Watch: Compliments on the Downlow
  • Vee and Levi bring in their usual vibe, which is a bit like “angry cat meets grumpy doggo”. Except tonight Levi’s really not wanting to piss off said cat. They mutually rant about Snow Man and that Lady of the Forest or whatever, he compliments her old and new shanking arsenal, and then is like “no one has to know”.
  • The sea is unsatisfied with this lack of conflict and spits out some for them to deal with. A can of worms! Multiple cans of worms! In the form of sea snakes that resemble green balls of yarn.
  • Vee attempts Sea-Speak. No response. She goes to steer to try to shake them off. No dice.
  • Levi rummages in his bag for fish. Wendy thinks Bob rolled for the amount of fish with a d10 and got a 9. Might’ve been for something else.
  • Vee abandons steering and grabs her trident. Stab snakes? Nope. Scoop snakes. Toss them into the water. Repeat until gone.
  • Levi goes to search for a mop. By the time he finds one, Vee’s already sweeped the deck. Nice!
  • They go to wake Zora and Rothuss for Round 2.
• Second Watch: Are you really Invisible?
  • Zora and Rothuss start off attempting to put their limited boating experience to good use. Kronk pulls the lever, and huzzah! Right lever. But they second guess because it doesn’t stop all the way.
  • With that done, they sit and do some icebreakers. A myriad of social topics go back and forth that Wendy doesn’t remember all the way. Something about church work, invisibility, hobbies, how Vee was the favorite (?), and pg 13. Refer to chat logs for more details.
  • And heeyyyy it’s Melange! Bob says he’s been getting his hands dirty to clean, but Wendy thinks Melange getting lugged around like a sack of potatoes because he was asleep is a funnier image.
  • Sea lets them all get acquainted. Which means no extra can of worms to spout.
• Rise and shine! Tempe and Lirt are already awake preparing spells, and the rest are processing the morning. Vee can smell the land apparently, but the nose is too stuffed up with dry morning air?
• Zora, Tempe, and Rothuss take a look at the box and key.
  • The box isn’t anything out of the ordinary other than the fact that it’s heckin’ fancy. Fancy enough for Vee to pretend to lose it and find it again to keep it.
  • Key is in several parts, which means more than 3? Some hypotheses: Key parts could be different keys that create one whole, bigger key. Also something about it potentially leading to the otherworld? Afterlife?
• There’s a bit of dice rolling frenzy after one failed roll by Carissa.
• Holy mother nature, is that a dragon? Oh nah, just a giant sea snake with wings. Apparently they’re like fly wings. It spews out acid? Poison? So a snake, giant in size, with wings, can spit acid / poison? Seems kind of like a dragon, but okay.
• Giant Flying Sea Snake vs. This Motley Crew. Edited!
  • Vee uses Sea-speak. No response.
  • Zora’s thrown in for a loop. She steps back, hoping to approach it cautiously and follow everyone else’s lead. Most of us don’t know what we’re doing either Zora, ‘m sorry.
  • Vee’s like LET’S RUUUUN and attempts to use some fancy navigating skills.
  • Melange swings his battle axe, but the boat’s moving so much that he misses.
  • Levi offers a broom to the most desperate bidder.
  • Rothuss attempts to stab a snoot or somewhere vulnerable, but again, Vee’s swaying the boat so the sea snake’ll just fall off no problem, so… he misses.
  • Lirt’s acid arrow finally wounds it!
  • Tempe casts Chant because this is that kind of moment.
  • Levi takes two shots from his shortbow. Shortbow’s like “no giant snakes for me”.
  • Zora dives into the fray to get in on the action! She misses on the first try, but she gets a good one in with her second! Heck yeah!
  • Levi’s shortbow finally decides it wants some action and delivers the final blow. Bye Sea Snake!
• The Snake plops down into the water in a spew of giant snake… innards? Yay we did it! And nobody’s got blood spatters. Double yay!
• Tempe asks about stuff we need from said snake. Levi and Melange help her and Rothuss out with lifting it out of the water. No venom glands to take back, but there’s meat and leather.
• Oh hello, a shark smells the blood in the water. We all conveniently ignore Rothuss’ attempt at incorporating that insufferable baby shark song.
• Vee sea-speaks for the third time and finally, some sort of response! Shark is just hungry. By shark standards, of course. It’s either a terrible predator or something went wrong with his food source.
• Rothuss ends up having to throw all the giant snake meat so it’ll leave us alone. Melange thinks it’s greedy and selfish for wanting more and more food. And he does not like selfish.
• Levi gets a bit defensive and is like “uh, does that mean you don’t like me?” They try to communicate each other’s thoughts clearly and tensions run a bit high in the process.
• Vee’s trying her best to get the shark to be their friend. And just as she thinks it’s turning to leave in peace, it bites Melange on the arm. #FoodNotFriends, apparently.
• Tempe goes over to assess his injury. It’s bleeding and worse for wear.
• It’s almost midday, and Levi and Melange are finding roadblocks. Blame it on the shark, the clouds (?) in the sky. Tempe requests them to work things out privately because someone’s bleeding right now and she’s here to do her job. She casts Cure Moderate and backsteps out of their way to give them some space.
• Midday First Watch: Heart-to-Hearts and that One Brain Cell.
  • Levi and Melange continue their conversation to figure out where they stand.
  • Lirt wants no part of that conversation and expertly chooses to focus on navigating.
  • Overall, mostly open communication with some emotions.
  • Ocean is like “All this emotional drama? Sure, no physical fighting for you.”
  • They try to decide who wakes Vee. Lirt takes up that responsibility. Reminder for the other two that you guys now owe Lirt.
• Second Watch: Sisters from the Same Mister.
  • Word gets around that conversations help appease the ocean. So Vee and Zora wake for second watch and start talking business.
  • What business you ask? This dead pirate business, of course.
  • And then Vee tells stories about mermaids, why she’s trying not to be trigger-happy around Ruffus de Orange, and how she would rather just walk into the sea than deal with all the landwalkers.
• So many watches and so many encounters, Wendy’s brain is mush. Good night!
• Next on Doing More Things for The CHURCH: Third Watch, actually arrive at Mizzen with both boat and the humans on it in one piece, please and thank you.

Quotes of the Night
MeLange: that a dragon?
MeLange: Levi, your girlfriend is here!
Levi Reed: I don't have a girlfriend!
Vee Barlett: I didn't think so...
MeLange: I think the dragon would beg to differ

Inv Zora Polasis: Shark!
Rothuss Carder: Doo-doo-doo!
Vee Barlett: suddenly wants to stab Rothuss

Vee Barlett : [Translation] That's all we got! Carry on 'cause I don't want ya hurt.
Fish, Shark 1 LUNGES at Mel and bites him, moderately wounding him.
Vee Barlett: NO FRIEND NOT FOOD!
Vee Barlett : [Translation] BAD SHARK!

Inv Zora Polasis: Perhaps an accident could happen to him?
Vee Barlett: One can certainly hope...
Vee Barlett: Or he better find a real good way to make it up to me and be worth stringin' along more.
Vee Barlett: THEN have an accident.

Session 20240719c - 20240719s

• Hello folks, welcome back to another episode of Doing Things for The Church. And yay! Lisa is here as an Investigator for The Cathedral, the invisible Zora Polasis!
• Vee, Tempe, and Lirt approach the Cathedral. Tempe speaks to Priest Jonathas Smartlash about the letter they have to get to. Meanwhile, Zora’s on the other side restless because they should’ve arrived earlier.
• We walk inside and uh… siblings reunite? Zora and Vee are siblings in that family tree, right? Anyways, the two catch up, Lirt and Tempe get introduced, and all of them discuss the fact that the Duke has requested an investigation on “Dread Pirate Firebeard”. Oh, and don’t forget that he’s allegedly already dead. Ah the CHURCH and their interesting tasks.
• So we set off on our way out of the Cathedral, walking along the streets of Osterhold. There’s a woman standing in front of the gates at... the Barlett Residence? Vee’s house? Whatever. Point is, it’s odd because it was originally Pilon, a buff dude. Now it’s Audentia Dustseeker, some new girl who doesn’t let Vee in until she shows some proof of entry.
• Vee and Zora are rightfully suspicious of the new change in the system, but they walk inside and meet Thorndike, the wearer of the fancy hats. They check in to see if Vee’s pa is home, which he is, and when they do meet Troy the Pa gives her the biggest bear hug of the century.
• Evidently this fatherly affection is a little out of the ordinary. Evidently, it is because Vee was thought to have been lost in The Bowl.
• After some typical family pleasantries, Rothuss comes in to present the venom gland from the strange urchins from The Bowl. Evidently, it’s paralytic poison, which– hey, good to know that it’s now in the hands of the Not-Pirates with a totally legal business.
• We walk into the dining room, where Thorndike presents Vee with some new shanking gear. There’s a simple standard one, a red one that’s allegedly rust-proof (test required), and a black one that has some punch on the other end. Some fancy multipurpose tool, that one.
• Oh, hello, it’s Rocco the Dad! And he’s wondering why Vee and Zora are here. They catch up, and finally tell him they’re chasing after some allegedly dead pirate by request from the Duke of Mizzen.
• Rocco is confused. Why would you chase a dead man anyway? Some theories pop up about Firebeard the Zombie, which… considering he’s already supposedly dead, isn’t a stretch. We’ll find out when we get there, I guess?
• Vee asks what happened to Pilon. Rocco says he’s no more, and that revenge is a dish best served cold. Goodbye and rest in peace Pilon. May the one that took your life suffer by sleeping with the fishes.
• Back on water we go! Levi and Melange are asleep below deck, which means the rest of us are sailing and watching for encounters.
• Rothuss tells a story that everyone somehow doesn’t mind listening to, and Lirt uses her 20/20 vision and amazing navigating skills to narrowly avoid a dragon attacking something in the distance. Which is ironic because— well, aren’t we the Dragonslayers?
• Too early to celebrate though, because avoiding the dragon got us scrags instead.
  • Hello, Vee_Barlett: Shank_Mode_Activated. Which means she picks up her Trident and lunges for Scrag 1.
  • Tempe tries to stab Scrag 2 with her dagger. Dagger says no.
  • Rothuss waves his trusty sabre towards Scrag 1 to help Vee. Sabre says no.
  • Scrag 2 leaves a scratch on Tempe for trying to stab it.
  • Scrag 1 DIGS its claws into Vee and starts biting the heck outta her.
  • Vee responds in kind, which means abandoning the heavier Trident for a lighter dagger and shanking it in close range.
  • Tempe abandons her dagger to use when she’s more trained in combat, and casts “Protection from Evil” on herself.
  • Lirt decides to take a shortcut off the platform by LEAPING like some seasoned acrobat or ballerina and brings her dagger straight into Scrag 2. Her dagger digs into said scrag for a critical hit.
  • Zora takes her rapier and decides to follow suit with the shanking. She succeeds, which tells everyone that shanking somehow runs in the family tree.
  • With Scrag 1 grappling Vee, Rothuss’ sabre has a better time giving it a slash.
  • Levi rubs his eyes at all the gosh darn commotion coming from above. Which is around the same time that Scrag 2 gives Lirt some serious payback.
  • Scrag 1 is having the time of its life digging into Vee.
  • Tempe moves in front of Lirt with her barrier.
  • Rothuss slips on a wet patch attempting to stab with his sabre, and Vee has some words for him to show how justifiably impatient she’s getting.
  • Levi runs in with his machetes in hand. Except he just woke up from some real good sleep, so neither he nor his machetes are awake enough yet.
  • Scrag 2 is like “great another one?” and scratches Levi back. But Levi is no squish, so the scratches are just light scrapes.
  • With Levi on scene to help out the squishies, Tempe the Squish 1 moves behind Vee to prepare for casting a barrier.
  • Lirt stumbles back over to the platform and prepares to try and shake the things off.
  • Zora swings her rapier to get another hit in for Scrag 2. Alas, Scrag 2 is wiggly and avoids her rapier.
  • Rothuss plants his feet and attempts to get a stab in with his sabre. Alas, his blade is… not sharp enough? The waves are too wiggly? Do we know anymore?
  • Levi swings his machetes, hoping they’re more awake to take some Scrag 2 blood. Not yet, they say.
  • Meanwhile, Tempe casts Protection from Evil on Vee, which promptly breaks because Vee cannot ignore her desire to shank. Vee_Barlett: Rage_Mode is effective immediately, which means BYE BYE SCRAG 1.
  • This prompts Lirt to use her fancy navigation skills to shake that other scrag off. It’s too much for Scrag 2, and it plops down into the waves as the boat spins around.
• After the dust settles, Tempe goes in for healing, and we’re about 1/3 of the way to Mizzen.
• Next on Doing More Things for The Church!: Actually arrive at Mizzen in one piece, please and thank you.

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